The Pain part I -------------------------------------------
I don't like it though
And it hurts
And it's all my fault
If I hadn't
Maybe it wouldn't hurt
Try to keep it in
It keeps coming out
Random episondes
Different circumstances
The pain intensifies
Torturing my body
I can't explain
The begining had real promise for me... sounded like a telephone conversation where you only hear the side of the person you are in the room with... but then seemed to switch to you talking to yourself.
I don't know if thats quite the effect you intended to achieve or create but there does seem to be an air of confusion about the writing, very much reflecting the last line.
Perhaps getting somewhat stereotypical towards the end, maybe something to work on, but then if that's what comes out in the heat of the moment then thats what comes out eh?
i understand this poem,but i cant really understand why you split it where you did,and why you split it at all.but you must have yer reasons.anyway both poems The pain part l and ll were great.
Submission Name: The Pain part I
