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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: More Obnoxious Haikusdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Jason The Basta
    Elite Ratio:    4.69 - 191/281/68
    Words: 39
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 924
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 281



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMore Obnoxious Haikusdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I barter my time
    For pennies and bread, selling
    Myself by the pound.


    We stand unseen in
    Our virtues, else grotesque with
    Notoriety.


    Frozen vomit on
    The steps, a Happy New Year
    Suspended in Ice.




    Submitted on 2006-03-02 22:44:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      
    good attempt at Haikus. But, it is my opinion that each line should be a complete thought
    such as:
    The dog was lazy
    The fox so very much too
    No bites shared at scene.
    | Posted on 2006-03-02 00:00:00 | by realpoet | [ Reply to This ]
      Haiku!
    Gesundheit!
    fred
    (This site's software won't allow so short of a comment, so I have to continue filling it with useless gibrish)
    | Posted on 2006-03-03 00:00:00 | by fredmelden | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm guessing these are three separate pieces? You should probably submit them separately, because I'm a little unclear. But they're all very enjoyable (not to mention, clever!), especially the last one.

    The reason why the last one is so great is because it mixes traditional with modern...traditional haikus in Japan always tell us the season by using clues, for example, if they say "sakura" (cherry blossoms) it means the haiku is about spring. This obviously showed us a snippet of a winter scene by mentioning "frozen" and "Happy New Year". I really got a sense of being cold and drunk.

    The first two are pretty philosophical, they made me think, and that's awesome. I don't really have any more critism, except that you should write more! I really enjoyed your work!

    Keep on keeping on,
    TRAVWELL
    | Posted on 2006-03-02 00:00:00 | by travwell | [ Reply to This ]
      I do actually quite like the third one myself, though maybe change the last line with the last fiver words of the second so it reads
    "Frozen vomit on
    The steps, uspended in Ice.
    A Happy New Year."
    I think that would make it an even more traditional Haiku, since I've always read that the two first lines were all image and the last line the comment. Just an idea. Funny, Jason. But also deep in it's own twisted way.
    | Posted on 2006-03-08 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]


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