Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: More Obnoxious Haikusdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Jason The Basta
    Elite Ratio:    4.69 - 191/281/68
    Words: 39
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 874
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 281



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMore Obnoxious Haikusdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I barter my time
    For pennies and bread, selling
    Myself by the pound.


    We stand unseen in
    Our virtues, else grotesque with
    Notoriety.


    Frozen vomit on
    The steps, a Happy New Year
    Suspended in Ice.




    Submitted on 2006-03-02 22:44:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      
    good attempt at Haikus. But, it is my opinion that each line should be a complete thought
    such as:
    The dog was lazy
    The fox so very much too
    No bites shared at scene.
    | Posted on 2006-03-02 00:00:00 | by realpoet | [ Reply to This ]
      Haiku!
    Gesundheit!
    fred
    (This site's software won't allow so short of a comment, so I have to continue filling it with useless gibrish)
    | Posted on 2006-03-03 00:00:00 | by fredmelden | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm guessing these are three separate pieces? You should probably submit them separately, because I'm a little unclear. But they're all very enjoyable (not to mention, clever!), especially the last one.

    The reason why the last one is so great is because it mixes traditional with modern...traditional haikus in Japan always tell us the season by using clues, for example, if they say "sakura" (cherry blossoms) it means the haiku is about spring. This obviously showed us a snippet of a winter scene by mentioning "frozen" and "Happy New Year". I really got a sense of being cold and drunk.

    The first two are pretty philosophical, they made me think, and that's awesome. I don't really have any more critism, except that you should write more! I really enjoyed your work!

    Keep on keeping on,
    TRAVWELL
    | Posted on 2006-03-02 00:00:00 | by travwell | [ Reply to This ]
      I do actually quite like the third one myself, though maybe change the last line with the last fiver words of the second so it reads
    "Frozen vomit on
    The steps, uspended in Ice.
    A Happy New Year."
    I think that would make it an even more traditional Haiku, since I've always read that the two first lines were all image and the last line the comment. Just an idea. Funny, Jason. But also deep in it's own twisted way.
    | Posted on 2006-03-08 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    93554

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    The Abyss of Love written by poetotoe
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    untitled written by Outlaw
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Night- time written by Daniel Barlow
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    The Want written by Daniel Barlow

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry