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    dots Submission Name: Forever Minedots

    Author: Podenco del infierno
    ASL Info:    19/M/Ohio
    Elite Ratio:    4.75 - 205/195/38
    Words: 136
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 805
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 928

       Just something i came up with... after my girlfriend and i broke up... not that it matters... but yea... i guess it may have some connections to it... enjoy if you will.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsForever Minedots

    You are mine, my love.
    Mine to hold forever close.
    My heart hardens when you are far,
    When you are near,
    My heart sets aflame,
    Burning with a love for you.
    Engulfed I become,
    Singed and scarred.
    Come with me,
    Grasp my hand and do not retreat.
    Lie with me,
    Cold and bare.
    You are mine.
    My love.
    My disease.
    My obsession.
    Asleep you lie,
    I take my crimson blade,
    And kiss your wrists.
    Gently, so softly.
    Lost in your dreams you lay,
    Images in your mind become obscured;
    A seducing nightmare.
    The sweet aroma of the blood touches my nose,
    And I share sweet kisses with my own wrists.
    Hypnotized by your bloody nightmares,
    You do not wake.
    Lifeless we become.
    You are mine, my love.
    For all eternity,
    You will be with me.

    Submitted on 2006-03-02 23:07:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Very nice write, best I've read all day. I liked the words you used in this poem, very power ful in deed. In some places the flow was a little of. I don't know whether the last few lines were supposed to be rhyming or something, hope fully not though. You portrayed your thoughts well and that is what makes a good piece of poetry. You added a bit of originality to this very common topic
    Thanks for sharing this poem,
    Keep it up
    | Posted on 2006-03-03 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]
      Deep, dark and good ^_^

    Some lines could be cut down and judging from your description of this you sort of just wrote it and submitted it so it can be revised to become in all aspects a better poem.

    The second line for example:
    "Mine to hold forever close."

    Could it be simply "Mine to hold forever" ?

    I could simply be having a brain ache but I'm not entirely understanding "My heart hardens when you are far" My hard saddens is a more clichéd term in that sentence but I don't suggest using that. It's just that your heart hardening seems to suggest that you become stronger when you're apart, which tends to drift away from the obsessive devotion that you had to her.

    Overall it's weird (and I like it that way) Just some revision would help this out quite a bit. Wondeful piece... you are my first favourite as a member of ES.

    ~ Aj
    | Posted on 2006-03-12 00:00:00 | by The Seraphim | [ Reply to This ]

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