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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Tsunamidots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: H.a.n.n.a.h
    ASL Info:    15/f/wa
    Elite Ratio:    2.62 - 5/10/8
    Words: 107
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 739
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 605



    Description:
       friendships are hard..


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTsunamidots
    -------------------------------------------


    Thoughts of being ostracized grow stronger and stronger into a wave of pain
    Slowly becoming a tsunami of hurt, crashing down on me
    I canít swim, Iím drowning in the life you left behind
    Years of memories flash in front of my eyes realizing what I have lost
    Realizing that I will never have that back
    I like to think I am trying to change for myself, but now I have second thoughts
    I am destroyed by the exchange of glances that cross my eyes every day
    A terrifying stare that knows it will never be the same, and I will be carried away like debris.




    Submitted on 2006-03-02 23:46:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I like the metaphor and I think your word choice is good. The message behind the whole thing is clear too.

    If I were to change something, I thing it would be slow the piece down. Throw in some line breaks and pauses to force the reader to think more about what you're saying. Really bring the meotion through.

    As an example:

    Thoughts of being ostracized
    Growing stronger and stronger into a wave of pain

    Slowly becoming a tsunami of hurt,
    Crashing down on me

    I canít swim!

    Iím drowning in the life you left behind
    Years of memories flash in front of my eyes

    Realizing what I have lost

    Realizing that I will never have it back


    I like to think I am trying to change for myself, but now I have second thoughts
    I am destroyed by the exchange of glances that cross my eyes every day
    A terrifying stare that knows it will never be the same, and I will be carried away...

    Like debris.


    Just an idea. You're mileage may vary.



    Steve
    | Posted on 2006-03-12 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, really great use of emotion and physical elements here. I feel you're embroiled in a tempest that wipes away all order and scrambles in chaos.

    A great way to eand, as well, with:

    'A terrifying stare that knows it will never be the same, and I will be carried away like debris.'

    Not so sure about the form, however, but that's something I'd have to look into after seeing more of your stuff.

    Thanks for sharing!

    Todd
    | Posted on 2006-03-03 00:00:00 | by Cigarz | [ Reply to This ]
      This is good but it's all mushes together. I'd suggest that you make the lines get spread out a little bit from each other and make stanzas with them.
    | Posted on 2006-03-03 00:00:00 | by Akili | [ Reply to This ]


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