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    dots Submission Name: poem # 45dots

    Author: Akili
    Elite Ratio:    2.36 - 915/400/60
    Words: 74
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 869
    Average Vote:    1.0000
    Bytes: 548

       Ha ha!!! First thing I've written as an adult!! (awww crap, now people are really gonna flame me)

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotspoem # 45dots

    Soft the whisper
    Of your voice
    As the feel
    Of something moving
    And at the same time never.

    Feeling lashes
    Of my making
    As the touch
    And something less
    At both our expense

    Watch the men
    Of the shadows
    As they move
    Away from light
    Disappear into pale boxes.

    Tastes of heaven
    Of hell also
    As the rain
    Beats upon the roof
    Of despair and hope.

    Submitted on 2006-03-03 11:46:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      thanx for your views
    you know using caps saves a bit of time so i was using but now that you adviced i surely will have to use small letters now.
    and whats wrong with sinisters
    i wrote a poem based on my experience & if you were in my place you would have mentioned something else even more disasterous
    | Posted on 2007-05-08 00:00:00 | by SAMEER | [ Reply to This ]
      i like this alot. the flow is just brilliant. i especially love this part:

    Soft the whisper
    Of your voice
    As the feel
    Of something moving
    And at the same time never

    great entrance! keep on writing <3
    | Posted on 2006-11-29 00:00:00 | by everafter | [ Reply to This ]
      *Looks at the torch in her hand, rereads the poem*

    YOU LIE! I cannot flame you for this!!!

    *Throws the torch aside and walks away, grumbling about how it wasn't bad at all and how Aki did good writing as an adult and how the world is going to end and how she really needed that torch to survive. Runs back, grabs the torch, starts walking away again, grumbling about how she honestly wanted to flame something and about how Aki never lets her flame anything. Runs out after catching the corner of the page on fire while twirling the torch like a baton*

    he he I heart you!
    | Posted on 2006-05-09 00:00:00 | by Krazy | [ Reply to This ]
      i think some of this works well, and some does not. the 2nd and 3rd stanzas are very strong and i like them a lot.

    'something' in the 1st stanza, however, i think needs to be replaced with something more concrete, and 'Tastes of heaven/Of hell also' kind of made me stumble.


    | Posted on 2006-05-09 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      ok im feeling the words, but they arent coming together.. like even if u want it to perplex the reader, where is the string that is holding it together..
    | Posted on 2006-03-03 00:00:00 | by gosers | [ Reply to This ]
      Yeah, I like this. You take risks with your wordiing and it works although I'm not all sure what's going on. It just feels right. The constrasts combined are great. Thanks for your good work.
    | Posted on 2006-03-03 00:00:00 | by feather | [ Reply to This ]
      hey aki, kudos on your first 'adult' write!
    i'm extremely scatter-brained right now so i'm having a seriously hard time making sense of this piece. ... but maybe that's what you want?
    i really like the last stanza, the whole heaven and hell thing, but i'm kinda partial to that...

    *looks up* okay, i realize that this comment made absolutely no sense, but well, i... love... you?

    | Posted on 2006-03-03 00:00:00 | by wildchild | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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