she wished for something beautiful to comsume her
she stood standing on the cloud that she painted in her world
the wind blew softly beneath her
the stars shone brightly in her eyes
little speckles of glittered tears fell down her face
she would know when it was time to go
but she fell somehow
from her cloud
down and down
like the fairytale rabbit
but she was never to late, too early
there was no time in her wonderland
she was captured in the atmosphere above reality
she was dancing in the shadows of her home
spiffy and spectacular all rolled up in one... sorry for my gush-ness, but im felling real good right now, and i happen to be sober so im trying to roll w/ it, before it fades....
anyway, it reminds me of a terrible lonely depression and dscribes perfectly the sinking feeling in an abstract way, that leaves the reader (me) kind of breathless in a wow i want to read more sort of way
Thought: Seems kind of like someone who is trying to feel special, who is not satisfied with her life.
Line 1: This line is the line that brings me to my starting sentence. She finds her own life plain and she just wants something better, something "beautiful to comsume[sic] her". Corrections: "consume" not "comsume"
Line 2: First, this is a bit of nitpicking, but the "stood standing" part is rather redundant. The whole line would work just as well if you removed either the word "standing" or the two words "she stood." I think it woudl work better if "she stood" was out, just because it removes the pronoun. Also, she painted this cloud in her world and stood on it, the first sign of trying to escape from "reality" or her plain life, to see something better, more beautiful. It works well.
Line 3: This line works well enough, it is gentle, kind, like the beautiful world she wishes to enter. I also think you should look up the word "zephyr" because it would work well in shortening this line. Up to you though.
Line 4: I think this line should be worked on, it seems like it could have a much better structure and phrasing. But if you don't wish too, then the stars shining on her eyes could be interpreted as her being "starstruck", not in the meeting-a-celebrity fashion, just in awe of her world, presumably the one she's escaping too.
Line 5: Another nitpicking piece, "little speckles" is also redundant, as a speckle is usually defined as a small spot. I'd suggest removing "little" from this line. She's crying and the magic of her world is leaving her through the "glittered tears". I think this line shows that she already knew it was time to go as line six will mention.
Line 6: I really couldn't find a way to interpret this one, other than that the fact that she would "know when it was time to go" meant that she knew she would have to leave that world at some point.
Lines 7, 8, and 9: Here's where I think the poem kind of fell from where it was going. So in a way, it is appropriate that she falls here as well. I can't help but feel we missed a lot in between her knowing when it would be time to go, and suddenly she starts to fall. It is simple enough to understand that this line refers to her falling from her sanctuary, the world she imagined. The cloud was the first thing she painted, or created. And so that she falls from it means she's lost the origin of her sanctuary. I could be overinterpreting this part.
Line 10: The fairy-tale rabbit, I'm assuming is the White Rabbit from "Alice in Wonderland." I think lines 11 and 12 would support that assumption. The White Rabbit though, went deeper and deeper into a land of fantasy, is this where she is falling instead of reality?
Lines 11 and 12: Never being too late or too early because there isn't time in the "wonderland"? Is this to say that all time stops when she enters her world. Or at least, that time seems to stop. Perhaps time stops because the whole thing happens in just a second. I think that would be rather powerful imagery/thought. But then, it is probably not sensible and more overinterpretation. Corrections: the first "to" should be "too."
Lines 13 and 14: I really like these two lines out of all the lines in this one. Being captured in the atmosphere above reality can show that she is trapped in this imaginary world and that perhaps it has become a bane more than a boon. The fantasy has taken the mind out from reality and will not return it. This would prevent the character from a more functional life in reality, I would guess. And that she was dancing in the shadows of her home... She can find joy in even the darkest places, or perhaps the dark thoughts of her mind (her home) were the only places where she was free to dance, to enjoy herself.
Overall: I think I overinterpreted, and so most of this could be wrong, but I really like the image I could get from this poem. There are some areas that could use work either more fleshing out or better word usage, some areas that just need to be edited so as reduce redundancy and spelling errors. I think I noted most, if not all the areas that I think need these bits of work and correction.
...amazing. It left me speechless. Impulse poems usually turn out to be the best (i think) and this one really takes the cake! The descriptions were amazing! (little speckles of glittered tears fell down her face) I don't see anything wrong with it. Great write!
she stood standing on the cloud that she painted in her world
almost sounds like she's trying to create drama where there is none. Meaning like, her world is okay, and so she paints a cloud in it, cause clouds are almost always associated with blocking out the sunshine.
little speckles of glittered tears fell down her face she would know when it was time to go
this part is just so pretty. I can see glittery tears falling, and it's like she's hanging there when everyone else says she should leave, but she knows that something isn't quite finished yet, and she'll know when it's really time for her to leave. Beautiful write, I liked it very, very much
I really liked this piece - I felt like I was dancing on the stars for a minute and then fell back down to the mundaneness but still I had some special star dust & I was able to make "IT" through! great! love,peace,joy&smilez 2 share tif
It sounds like a girl who feels she is left out, like an out cast or something, and thought she was finally fitting in, then it all went up in smoke. I'm not really sure though. Anyway great poem Jaz, it was one of your best in my opinion. Like the name too. Go John Lennon!
i love this .../. it's very romantic , and i love how the poem just dances off your tounge / the rhyme the picture .../. everything is great this is a good "speed write" i love every part of it / i dont know which one is my fav part .../. very good .../.