Barrier of My Soul by bonita2689

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Submission Name: Barrier of My Soul dots

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Author:	bonita2689
ASL Info:	18/f/in
Elite Ratio:	3.86 - 42/58/33
Words:	105

Class/Type:	Poetry/Dark
Total Views:	142
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	693

Description:

Barrier of My Soul dots

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This is an empty echo
Of whoever I used to be
This body that I carry
A burden and brutal reminder
Of the vanished part of me
Hollow; without core
Or substance to live
Blank and meaningless
A life without life to give
Each breath more futile
Than the next
Like the shallow hope of yesterday
Smothered to the death
I am but the mold
Of something only better
And desolate all the same
That screams my gory shame
This is false-
This flesh that breathes for living
But lives for nothing
Is dying
It wilts
Like a flower, at the core of darkness

Submitted on 2006-03-03 15:26:16 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  You know, I really liked this. A lot. It resembles how I feel at the current moment and time.

It was short, but to the point and was like a knife cutting you so fast you don't even notice the blood. This was absolutely fantastic and very well written. Dark, drastic, and gives a lot of pictures.

The visionary pictures I recieved from this were excellent, and really related to the whole poem.
The only thing that kind of threw me off was the "mold" part, but other than that, I followed it very well and blended with the shadowy darkness of the whole thing. Exceptional work.

Kichi
| Posted on 2006-03-03 00:00:00 | by Raging Rain | [ Reply to This ]
  You had two or three really good lines in here, but actually, I think you should cut a great deal of it. Many of your descriptive words are redundant or unnecessary and that steals power from your poem. for instance:

Hollow; without core
Or substance to live

We know that hollow means without a core. You don't need to tell us that. Just "Hollow, without substance" - even that sounds rather clichéd and needs to be changed.

Your very first line leaves us with nothing. What is "This"? 'This' is an amorphous word if you don't have an antecedent for it, which you don't. Try something like:

An empty echo,
this body that I carry.
A brutal reminder of the
vanished part of me.

I did like "a life without life to give" and "This flesh that breathes for living/But lives for nothing/Is dying"

Those are nice lines.

On the whole, however, I think you need to pare it down a lot. mae
| Posted on 2006-03-03 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]
  i noticed the whole empty thing, eacho's can be if there is nothing to bounce of of, without a core, and a mold is just an emty figure. it almost seems as if the person in this is missig something and they can't remember what it is but they know they want it back. idk i might be looking to much into this but this was a well writen piece. thx for the read.

brandon
| Posted on 2006-03-06 00:00:00 | by disturbedx1000 | [ Reply to This ]
  its great and pretty dark I like it a lot. Like mae said you had a few good lines that really stood out and were really deep. you had a good use of emotion. and spoke from within, you didnt just put together a bunch of words and made it look cool you actually took some anger or depression and formed words out of them. thats why its so cool.

a fellow poet
Harmageddon
| Posted on 2006-03-03 00:00:00 | by Harmageddon | [ Reply to This ]
  I liked it. Some of the lines were just brilliant in the way you described them, i really like that. Like these lines here

"This flesh that breathes for living
But lives for nothing"

Those lines especially the first are totally original especially the "breathes for living part" i love that and could almost feel a suffocation feeling to it. I like that. But I also agree with Mae that there are some repetitive lines in there and take away from the poem. I also think that if you did this without rhyming it would've sounded better. If you work on this a little more, you can transform it from a few brilliant lines to all brilliant lines. Just some advice.
| Posted on 2006-03-05 00:00:00 | by Faith_Disease | [ Reply to This ]

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