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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Body : Humandots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rws
    ASL Info:    58/m/ohio
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 2779/1297/258
    Words: 77
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 708
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 716



    Description:
       Part three..for Nan


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBody : Humandots
    -------------------------------------------


    Defining race:
    those running at
    the same pace toward
    the same destination;
    whose brief tenure
    in eternity blessed
    the soap bubble
    of existence
    with impertinent
    conviction.

    Whose monarchies
    melt into embrace
    whose soul
    bore
    singular
    illusion
    the bright
    gleam beneath
    the chitinous
    carapace.

    We wear
    the mask whose
    slitted sockets scorch
    flesh within articulated
    shells impaled on dreams;
    as apologists,
    de la soul-less,
    laugh amid
    billowing, pompous
    robes, till
    that thing
    screams.




    Submitted on 2006-03-03 20:29:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Well, I'm still unsure, which is how the reader should be. Leave 'em thinking about it.

    I get the big bang theory, and the end of it all, so I take it it's the beginning and ending of existence...the old question of Life itself, and a swipe at those who dare to tell us the answer.

    All three parts offer a rather cynical view of it, which is probably why I'm drawn to it.

    Very good, all three bits are attention grabbers and an interesting read.

    | Posted on 2006-03-21 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      That first stanza reminds me of lemmings we are all rushing headlong off the cliff of being - while the third connotes Jung or Freud the ego or persona - we wear the mask to protect our vulnerable self and dreams express our dangerous wishes in a disguised form they are ‘the hallucinatory fulfilment of a forbidden wish’. Take care nessie
    | Posted on 2006-03-21 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ]
      This one is certainly powerful too, so I thank you for sending another poem in this set.

    Whose monarchies
    melt to embrace (into)
    whose soul bore
    singular illusion
    the bright
    gleam beneath
    the chitinous
    carapace.

    Nice rhythm and visions here, I love it.
    the last stanza rocks too but I think the line breaks
    I've suggested might clarify your intent in the second
    stanza, use it if you think it's right.
    Thanks, Bill, it's stark-raving gorgeous and eloquent too.

    Nan
    | Posted on 2006-03-07 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      man the last stanza is TIGHT!! seriously.. i would keep the same feeling for the rest,
    | Posted on 2006-03-03 00:00:00 | by gosers | [ Reply to This ]
      I actually think the last stanza is the clunkiest of the poem. Somehow the lineation in the first two line trips me up the way the rest of the poem doesn't. And maybe it's just the second line of that stanza that does it. That's the oneI keep rereading and trying to make work... to smooth out.
    robes, til
    also catches in my mouth a bit much.
    I really like, though,
    "slitted sockets scorch"
    I wonder what would happen to the poem if you lineated it a bit differently so you get more lines with the heavy alliteration. Like.. instead of
    "Whose monarchies
    melt into embrace"
    try
    "Whose monarchies melt
    into embrace"
    I'd suggest the same with
    "whose soul
    bore"
    making it just one line
    "whose soul bore"
    I think that would give 'singular'
    standing alone, even more power.
    Just my thouoghts on the piece. I do like it.
    | Posted on 2006-03-08 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]


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