Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • ES Magazine
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • Video Tutorials
  • RolePlay
  • 90% off Amazon
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: First Knightdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: dax
    ASL Info:    35 male BC Canada
    Elite Ratio:    4.87 - 127/127/42
    Words: 426
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 209
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 3177



    Description:
       this is my first epic poem
    took a while but i managed to do one in about a day of work


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFirst Knightdots
    -------------------------------------------



    (i)
    T'was the first knight,
    on battle's field.
    To foe and frey,
    I would not yield.
    Sword at the ready,
    shield in place.
    My only thought,
    your lovely face.

    (ii)
    Cresting the hill,
    enemies abound.
    Running with battle cries,
    that did resound.
    About the region,
    in this dale.
    Through enemy arrows,
    that fell like hail.

    (iii)
    Death rained round,
    about myself.
    I put my fear,
    upon a shelf.
    My gaze locked on,
    to the closest foe.
    Time seemed to travel,
    ever so slow.



    (iv)
    Suddenly like a call,
    sword steel did ring.
    The clash of melee,
    which death would bring.
    Parried and countered,
    this brave attack.
    Blocked with my shield,
    then began to hack.

    (v)
    Wave after wave,
    an endless sea.
    Of an enemy host,
    unbridled hostility.
    Bits of armor began to give,
    so with increased reslove.
    Pressed my attack in increments,
    with the hope to solve.

    (vi)
    This multitude,
    that multiplied.
    Even though,
    so many died.
    Sweat began,
    to fill my brow.
    This army the land,
    and I the plough.



    (vii)
    Cautiously they withdrew,
    with a sudden burst of fire.
    Arrows poured like torture stakes,
    to impale this heart's desire.
    Sudden pain I looked down,
    to see upon my chest.
    Missile pierced into my soul,
    laying it's head to rest.

    (viii)
    Grimmaced in pain,
    I staggered on.
    This chess-like game,
    I was no pawn.
    To be king,
    and you my queen.
    Towards this future,
    I was so keen.

    (ix)
    Slowly stumbling to the ground,
    hearing blasts of a horn resound.
    I watched the foe take to flight,
    seeing hooves of friendlies pound.
    Earth with mallets,
    to overtake their prey.
    Finally I knew,
    we won this day.






    (x)
    I knew not how long,
    I had closed my eyes.
    Now before me you stood,
    the greatest surprise.
    You looked like Mercy,
    an angel divine.
    And held my hand,
    to show you're mine.

    (xi)
    We embraced for eternity,
    as pain overshadowed me.
    My love for you will always last,
    as Death I noticed to see.
    Was waiting patiently lending time,
    so we could say good-bye.
    Through kisses and sighs,
    we both began to cry.

    (xii)
    I had fought for you so valiantly,
    to win this chance at love.
    Only to receive this sting,
    cruelty slapped me with it's glove.
    First knight I was on the field,
    but did not fright or fret.
    Even this moment whispering to my love,
    the last breath of life beset.




    Submitted on 2006-03-04 02:38:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Interesting read - but the rhythm kept throwing my off. For seem reason, it just doesn't move along comfortably. Nearest I can see you are being a little too wordy in a few spots - which may be throwing off the rhythm. Fewer words are okay - just be selective so that you don't lose the imagery that you are trying to achieve.

    Now, this is a stretch, but I rarely use punctuation in poetry. Each line stands on it owns when it begins with caps...if the next line is lower case, it's a continuation of the previous line (which you have in your poem). The punctuation just makes it look cluttered, and most people know when to pause, and when not too. That would certainly clean it up a bit - but that is just for "looks" really.

    And stanza (vi) got under my skin a little...it seemed like you couldn't find the right words to describe what you were trying to write. In this case, add some words to give it more clarity. Afterall, this is an epic, right?

    Hope this helps...
    Kelly
    | Posted on 2006-03-09 00:00:00 | by krs3332003 | [ Reply to This ]
      Dax,
    Part of the mode of epic poetry is to get it to read easily. It is a spoken form and meter is very important to a spoken form... or at least rhythm. While you have rhyme which helps to pull the reader from line to line, the lack of rhythm is disturbing and makes the poem hard to move through. It stumbles. Take a look at some other epic poems. See what they do formally. Try Gawain and the green knight which is written in Bob and Wheel. Look at Beowulf which is written in Strong stress verse. The Faerie Queene by spenser is another example but it tends more to the religio/politcal allegory. Anther thought is look at some of the welsh bardic forms. I like using them especially for my own epic poems. They aren't metered so much as syllabic.
    Your story is very much the knightly Romance.
    One niggle, I wouldn't open the poem with 'Twas.' Twas is "it was' and I think you want to say that you were, so I would suggest using 'I was...'
    Keep working on this piece. Flesh it out.
    | Posted on 2006-03-08 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]



    Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
    5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

    [ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

    Google
     

    [ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
    [ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .
    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry
    This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.