Warning by Darth Zeus

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Submission Name: Warning dots

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Author:	Darth Zeus
ASL Info:	18/F/netherlands
Elite Ratio:	7.34 - 368/223/32
Words:	85

Class/Type:	Poetry/
Total Views:	309
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	568

Description:
This is a really old poem of mine, I wrote it 2 years ago but I found it again and I thought let's just post this. For some people 2 years might not make a difference but my writing skills have improved since my 14th if you ask me.
anyhow. tell me what you think.

Warning

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When I look at you I see
some hidden parts of me
You remember me of what I've done
And you just can't keep going on

Though you won't admit
I know you're hiding it
I've recognised the feautures,
the tears and the tortures

You destroy yourself, just like I did
But honestly, you're not worth it
I am now warning you
Don't know nothing else to do

I am, too, living your pain
For me, you are like porcelain

Submitted on 2006-03-04 06:14:03 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
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4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Nice...I mean I really have nothing to say that hasn't already been said. i has emotions that unravel, ranging from dark, to sad, to make anger or regret...? I felt ( or at least thought) I felt so many underlying emotions here..and I just , I'm not good @ writing comments am I?....... Anyway, and time you need comments on anything, then just hit me up!
| Posted on 2006-11-10 00:00:00 | by Twisted | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey,
Just was looking through your older posts and thought this piece looked like a nice one....I enjoy strong one worded titles....It's always amazing what a person can create with only one word or their interpretation on what they can find out with that one word.

I think that our older posts are less mature and viewed from a different perspectives yet somehow, no matter how many changes the piece needs, we can never really change it unless we rewrite the entire piece from a new perspective.

I enjoyed this very much...The only problem i had with this is that i wasn't quite sure of who you were talking of precisely....There were so many people in my mind that i couldn't really pinpoint a specific situation...

I do like your writing though....It has meaning and it speaks from the heart....Great job....
Do take care until next time....
Irina
| Posted on 2006-06-07 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
  This is pretty good. I like the subject matter, but it seemed rushed to me... The flow seemed rushed. I think it needs a rewrite, something you could consider.

Though you won't admit
I know you're hiding it
I've regognised the feautures,
the tears and the tortures

You mispelled "recognised", but it seems more like a typo than an err of intelligence.

I liked that stanza the most. It reminded me of a few of my past memories. It was really enjoyable.

The ending seems incomplete... It's like you were in mid-thought and stopped thinking. You know what I mean?

Otherwise, good right. *thumbs up*

CAH
| Posted on 2006-03-05 00:00:00 | by bloody_carebear | [ Reply to This ]
  Yeah, I'm glad you explained, I figured you were a lot better than this.

Amazing how much we learn in a couple of years, eh?

Great last line, though

be happy

Graeme
| Posted on 2006-03-04 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a deep write
But I do agree your newer posts are much more structured and written with much more skills
I can tell from this you really have come far in your writing skills
God Bless
Ron
| Posted on 2006-03-04 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  Hiya Darth,

yep, I'm glad you gave us the preamble of how old this piece is. It's cool, but no where near what you're doing now. This piece is much more literal, and I'll bet if you went through modifying what you say and how you say it, you'll have a really groovy piece here.

Thanks for sharing!

Todd
| Posted on 2006-03-04 00:00:00 | by Cigarz | [ Reply to This ]
  Hiya Darth Zeus... that's a pretty orgininal handle:) My dad is from Holland, but that's irrelevant. I guess I'll get to the point now:)

The poem uses correct grammer and syntax, then all the sudden there's this line, "Don't know nothing else to do". It stole the seriousness of the previous lines. It made them almost lose their force. I would just take the line out. It doesn't really need to be there.

Oh, and I like the ending. He's easy to break, like you'll just drop him on the floor if he bugs you again. All in all I liked it:)

Have a wicked fun day:)

| Posted on 2006-03-09 00:00:00 | by Shaqua1973 | [ Reply to This ]
  You've come a long way darling! I think this poem was written with the simplicity of a young mind. But for your age then...you did very good. I would revise this poem, create a better flow, improve the rhyming shceme, and be more detailed in who you are warning. I'm glad you pulled this one out of the vault for us all. Good Job.

Maggie
| Posted on 2006-03-05 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
  I like this poem. It reveals the complexity of emotion. I am really attracted to how dark it is even though you have rather short lines. I agree with Cigarz, I am glad you offered the preamble. Now I just have to read your other works. Also, please check out some of my poems and give me your comments.

Minsu
| Posted on 2006-03-04 00:00:00 | by Lee Minsu | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
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5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece? 7. What was unclear?
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9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?

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