Mermaids and Pirates by comradenessie

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Submission Name: Mermaids and Pirates dots

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Author:	comradenessie
Elite Ratio:	6.5 - 626/539/110
Words:	50

Class/Type:	Misc/Misc
Total Views:	275
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	354

Description:
For Sel, the picture is of a beach near Bude in Cornwall, where Sel grew up.

Mermaids and Pirates dots

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Let's go looking for adventure
with mermaids and pirates
make sure the excisemen
are not on the shore,
climb high, fossil cliffs
to the fairy-filled hedges,
hide from English redcoats,
amongst tangled heather
and sail
across the river of years
to when you were young.

Submitted on 2006-03-04 11:02:08 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I love how you can look at a photo and imagine the rich history behind a simple scene. To think in terms of ages and particularly in terms of adventure as the eyes of a child might see. This is the key to a bright world you demonstrate in your writing.

It's so unique and full of vision. A voice you can claim as your own. There's nothing to change here, just know I'm grateful that you share.

Nan
| Posted on 2006-03-18 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
  On a first read, this almost has a "Peter Pan" feel to it. "Let's be frivolous and free and fly away."

After reading the brief description and thinking about some of Sel's recent pieces, I can really feel a mother's love and concern. Watching my own children play in imaginary worlds, I sometimes long for the days when I played as they do, creating new worlds on a whim. Now, the best I can do is piggyback on their adventures, which is surely the next best thing.

Lately, I seem to be commenting more on the feelings pieces are generating than critiquing the language and style used. I guess that means the pieces are working as they are.

Steve
| Posted on 2006-03-13 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow! What a poem! Even just the title-- it really drew me in, so colorful, childish, etc.
And the way the poem is written, with the "let's"- that has such an air of camaraderie, of discovery. So short and bittersweet. Well the poem itself is so innocuous and sweet, but it's written with a sort of knowledge that all of the adventure: the height of the cliffs, the lows of the valley, and the breadth of the ocean: is finite. And it reminds me of children's BOOKS, or the ideas sprung from it, and it lacks all seblance of modernity. And since children's authors are adults generally, there's this sense of looking back in your poem, especially in the last line. Ah, how my heart soared when I read this line: amongst tangled heather. for some reason those words just work so perfectly, like the sloppy beauty of being young. Thanks a lot for an excellent stroll down memory lane. (Caution: obtrusive platitudes!) ;-);-)
| Posted on 2006-06-13 00:00:00 | by Kristen Gudsnuk | [ Reply to This ]
  Your original poem:
Let's go looking for adventure
with mermaids and pirates
make sure the exercisemen
are not on the shore,
climb high, fossil cliffs
to the fairy-filled hedges,
hide from English redcoats,
amongst tangled heather
and sail
across the river of years
to when you were young.

My revision of it:
Let's go looking for adventure
with mermaids and pirates,
make sure the exercisemen
are not on the shore.

Climb high, fossil cliffs
to fairy-filled hedges,
while we hide in dismay
from the English Redcoats.

Amongst the tangled heather
we'll sail across
the river of years
to when you were young.

Ok, this is a revisement that I did for you to look at... understand that I don't think my revising quite works out to how I think you envisioned this piece to be. In your piece I'm not sure about how it all segues together sonically... it's quite... stunted in rhythm when I read it out.

My version is much the same but I've tried to show you where I think that internal melody is... the second strophe, particularly the part about the Redcoats doesn't seem to work for either version... do you know what I mean?

Each strophe actually has its own particular rhythm when read out loud... maybe something to consider would be trying to make this all flow together somehow?

I know it's a hard thing to actually implement but what I've shown as revision might help you look at it differently in terms of breaking it up, fleshing the sonics out somewhat.

Basically, it flows really well up until the 'hedges' part and then it just sorta... collapses in unto itself... ok, I know I'm being really roundabout in this comment but I hope you get what I mean... sometimes things are too hard to describe dammit!

By the way, what are 'exercisemen'? I've never heard that term... are you talking about raiders of some sort? I have no idea. If there's a shorter word for it I would use it as that word is kinda confusing... it must be a dialectical thing particular to Cornwall maybe? You tell me, I'm actually interested to find out where it's from linguistically.

As it is, it's very whimsical and pure... and fleeting, like a child's memories... and like... a parent's memories of their child when they were still innocent and full of wonder for this world... yea. Mischief and rampant imagination... that I wish more people still had.

Ok, I've rambled enough. I'm not sure if my suggestions will help as I'm a bit iffy about them myself... but you'll tell me what works for you and what doesn't I'm sure.

Peace,

Jase
| Posted on 2006-03-06 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
  i like this poem as it brings out my imagination and the kid in me from reading it.

i wish i could find a mermaid and some pirates loot and settle down on a desserted island and eat myself silly with chocolate mud pies and shell shaped Belgian chocolates seeing marshmallow clouds float by and animal crackers roaming the fields. don't forget the house of gingerbread

dax
| Posted on 2006-03-04 00:00:00 | by dax | [ Reply to This ]
  The picture is certainly appropriate to the post (and reminds me of the opening to an anthology of children's stories or adventure tales). This is such an interesting companion piece to your daughter's recent post on addiction; she bravely ventures into a world full unpleasantness and you hearken back to a more innocent, untouched world. So typical of adventurous youth and protective parents. Very nicely done, comrade. Take care of yourself. Bill.
| Posted on 2006-03-04 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
  wz Alpha s
d.p. CP November Echo Sierra Oscar TL: high

this comment must not show any encouragement, all superiors must clear accolades, so instead all words of kindness will be encrypted, to be fair the same will be true if something is fair or needs work, welcome to the new ES order.

let see I XXXX the first couple of lines here I feel a sense of adventure oops sorry it said that already silly me I do not know what the excisemen are, is that one word? Because Microsoft Word is telling me it is two. It does have a XXXX memorable quality to it. I hope memorable is ok, I didn’t quite check with my superiors on that. I am thinking on the 9th line perhaps a set of ellipses. the ending is XXXX, I XXXX it, it brings back nice childhood memories. perhaps some more XXXX though It seems to be XXXXXXXXXX. I said nice in this comment but it was referring to my memories, gee, i hope that is ok.

overall I say it makes me XXXX XXXX

any questions will be addressed in a declassified PM
| Posted on 2006-03-08 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
  What a sweet tiny bit of a poem. It sounds like an introduction - now let's hear of your adventures! One question - what is an 'excerciseman'?

I enjoyed this. Now I want more. mae
| Posted on 2006-03-04 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]
  Oh, I don't want my boys to grow up!

You haven't specified what kind of soment you'd prefer, so I'm going to go with what comest omy mind.

Childhood can be a magical time for parents. We get to help our little ones learn to use their imaginations, and that can drag us out of normal life and into the very adventures we got to be part of when we are children ourselves.

As far as technical advise; I can't offer any suggestion because there isn't a thing I'd change.

Thanks for the adventure!

Chell
| Posted on 2006-03-15 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]

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