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    dots Submission Name: when I close my eyesdots

    Author: mimi
    ASL Info:    30/f/ny
    Elite Ratio:    3.66 - 597/390/111
    Words: 98
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 602
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 629

       needs a new title... any ideas?

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotswhen I close my eyesdots

    I'm looking to reproduce
    and achieve the same responses
    from my senses
    of your kiss in others.
    The yard with which I measure
    the feelings that I treasure
    have to reflect the mirror
    of my memory.
    I close my eyes,
    only to find
    to my dismay and
    to my surprise
    that my nose tingles with a scent
    that is not yours.
    I cannot close the doors
    that let me go and grow to love
    and find something new.
    I cringe as I'm singed
    with a memory
    while I'm in his embrace.

    Submitted on 2006-03-04 12:36:11     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      ah, the memory of a love gone that still haunts you... that is a difficult place to be in, when you find yourself with someone else while still remembering. love is very powerful and the loss of it can stain us for a time.

    i thought this was well-written and made your point clearly. i do wish for you that you can move on, or have already moved on, because there is always love to be found when those memories cease to ache you so.

    | Posted on 2006-03-07 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      First I would suggest fixing the typos.
    Lines two and three.
    responces and sences.
    The c should be an s in both of those
    responses and senses

    Second I would suggest in line 15:
    'I cant close the doors"
    Perhaps expanding it to cannot or can not.
    'I can not close the doors"
    Just a difference of a syllable.

    Though the poem gives a good idea of what you are trying to say. Being haunted by a love come to pass.
    If you read into it there is one part that doesn't seem to fit.
    The part about the doors:
    'I cant close the doors
    that let me
    find something new. '
    You wouldn't want to close those doors would you?
    Perhaps it is the doors that prevent you from finding something new as opposed to the ones that let you that you can not close?

    I hope you found this helpful as opposed to condescending.
    Truly this was an enjoyable piece.
    | Posted on 2006-03-06 00:00:00 | by Jodans | [ Reply to This ]
      holy crap. that's awesome.
    it's beautiful and it stings my heart.
    it's such a powerful and helpless feeling when the past pierces us in such an unwanted way.
    very well done.
    | Posted on 2006-03-08 00:00:00 | by treybur | [ Reply to This ]

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