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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: *In Your*dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: annezah
    ASL Info:    19/f/long island NY
    Elite Ratio:    2.5 - 14/15/16
    Words: 615
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 2118
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 3331



    Description:
       i think many of you can relate to this it shows what you feel when you fall in love i just wish i could get those feelings back


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots*In Your*dots
    -------------------------------------------


    and its in your eyes where i can fall asleep
    and its in your eyes where its so hard to not weep
    because in your eyes i finally feel free
    its in your eyes where i feel like im being me
    you have broughten me to higher places where i have never been before
    and its in your eyes where i love you more and more
    and when you got me staring its so hard not to pull away
    because its in your eyes that i love you more each day
    its in your heart where you keep me safe inside
    its in your heart where you never have to let me hide
    because in your heart i never want to leave
    its in your heart where i finally feel free
    you have taken me fully and i never want to be replaced
    its in your heart where i will never disapear from that place
    and its only in your heart where i will stay
    cause its in your heart where i feel loved each day
    and its in your arms where i feel safe and warm
    its in your arms that keeps me from harm
    because in your arms i feel protected and loved
    its in your arms where i have discovered all the above
    and when your holding me i just never want you to ever let me go
    because its in your arms where i feel like i can show ....everything
    its in your arms where i feel comfort
    and in only your arms i feel like i would never be hurt
    and its in your voice that keeps me under control
    its in your voice that fills that empty whole
    because in your voice i can tell whether or not your okay
    and its in your voice that keeps me alive everyday
    its in your voice that tells me you love me
    and its in your voice that makes me believe
    and i never will stop believing if i still can listen to your voice
    its in your touch that sends chills up my spine
    its in your touch that makes me love how your mine
    and its in your touch that always gives me the chills
    because its in your touch where all my feelings spill
    and in your touch i never want it to go away
    because in your touch i love you more each day
    and its just in your touch that makes me pray
    pray youll stay together with me
    its in your lips where mine meet yours
    its in your lips where i start to love you more
    and its in your lips where i just dont want to pull away
    because its in your lips where i love to always stay placed
    its in your lips where i love to feel your kiss
    its in your lips where i will always miss
    and its in your lips that keeps my eyes closed
    its in your lips that my memories enclose
    while your lips enclose a kiss
    my memories behold
    and its in your comfort that keeps me full of hope
    its in your comfort that makes me write those notes
    because in your comfort its my safety zone
    its in your comfort that are love has fully grown
    and its your comfort that makes me feel okay
    and since i have your comfort i have loved you more each day
    its in your love where i feel so alive
    and its in your love where i cannot deny
    and its your love that has granted my every wish
    to be with someone who really cares
    and your love has done that for me




    Submitted on 2006-03-05 08:12:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Some interests are better left alone, but not thos interests who will cover your heart with joy.Are we that desperate to still feel the unfealt feeling?

    D` Alin
    | Posted on 2006-03-05 00:00:00 | by DAlin | [ Reply to This ]
      First of all, Welcome to Eliteskills. I thought the basic idea of your poem wasn't that bad. Maybe if you could shorten this and try to combine your thoughts into one, this would be a great read. The pattern of saying "its" and "because" again and again is very tedious. Try writing this piece differently. Some of your phrases don't really make sense. For example:

    and its in your eyes where its so hard to not weep

    Shouldn't it be "And it's in your eyes where it's so hard not to weep"? I don't really understand what your exactly trying to say here.

    To be honest, using "it's" and "because" over and over again will drag your words down. Your rhyming as well doesn't run smoothly. Sometimes it seems forced and that basically destroys the purpose of your piece. This piece seems very personal and I usually just give out comments on the format. Keep your ideas, they are great , but use different words and start each phrase differently. I could give you examples on how you could re-write this but I might change you ideas slightly. Sorry if my comments seem so negative but you have a good start here. You just need to organize your thoughts and use various types of words to replace some you have written. Good luck and take care.

    -Lado
    | Posted on 2006-03-05 00:00:00 | by poeticblindness | [ Reply to This ]


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