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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sculptureddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: expiring_touch
    ASL Info:    30/f/Hamburg
    Elite Ratio:    4.03 - 137/243/158
    Words: 192
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 936
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1348



    Description:
       random thoughts


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSculptureddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Waving from beyond the glass doors,
    Hurt splashed onto the reflections
    Of cars and people in the blue shop windows.

    I saw my own eyes, thinking neon violet
    And dim lamps, curling every eyelash,
    Every almond curve, to wake up soberly to the languid
    Sounds of fox-trotting symphonies.

    I sat beside you speechless, awkward, while
    He frenzied round to make me realize
    -again -
    Sufficient truths I left, for once,
    In my banana pale beauty parlor.

    It is sufficient yet to say: unstable,
    Like wheels on ice, turning, slipping,
    Spiraling myself and my thoughts
    Through a winded staircase
    To the top of the highest tower on the highest peak,
    Like a godforsaken princess.

    There's nothing but sky around you, heaven-liver,
    Winter and spring, and passion, and blood
    Breaking at your feet like a waterfall,
    Still no drop will reach you - hell, you're clean.

    I'm stuck between glass and quicksilver,
    Between faltering touch and lightest mockery,
    Take me down, I beg you, a prayer
    Burnt into the ebbing candles, a waltz
    With a disengaged rhythm, and wincing pain
    From a never-to-be heartbreak.






    Submitted on 2006-03-05 10:00:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      There is some sensational imagery in that opening stanza. Most of stanza 2 is also strong but I’m less convinced by the collocation in that ‘Every almond curve, to wake up soberly to the languid’ as the line seems overly long and as your stanzas do not have a uniform length how about

    every almond curve,
    to wake up soberly to the languid
    sounds of fox-trotting symphonies.

    That gives the reader a chance to focus on ‘every almond curve’. Also, I’m not sure you need that disrupting – again – I think this stanza would work better just as


    I sat beside you speechless, awkward, while
    he frenzied round to make me realize
    sufficient truths I left, for once,
    in my banana pale beauty parlor.

    Are bananas pale? I tend to think of them as bright yellow with little brown mottled bit according to age.
    Also, you have a typo on parlour and another on spiralling (nitpicking details I know but worth changing)
    I don’t think ‘on the highest peak’, adds anything and detracts from the imprisoned princess in the highest tower. The last stanzas are the weakest and the little asides, again, are detracting, indeed, I wonder if this poem would be stronger for a little trimming. If you do decide to revise it let me know and I’ll take another look.
    Take care
    nessie
    | Posted on 2006-03-17 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmm I like this poem very much. The syntax isn't uniform and the stanzas transition very smoothly. I also liked the various imagery that you illustrarted. They're all different, yet they have a simple connection that works. Keep up the good work and take care!

    Jeanny
    | Posted on 2006-03-05 00:00:00 | by onewingdtenshi | [ Reply to This ]


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