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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Gatedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Daokao
    Elite Ratio:    6.4 - 67/37/10
    Words: 117
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 983
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 760



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Gatedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Arriving at the open gate,
    disoriented and confused;
    no signs of direction,
    only a distant light of many hues.

    How is that I arrived here,
    I donít recall the details;
    all has been altered,
    senses of pain derailed.
    .
    I hear a voice calling-
    ďIt is time for you to come through,Ē
    your instant has past,
    itís your time to enter at last.

    As my spirit raises,
    elevated by I do not know;
    toward the intensifying light,
    an anomaly of the unknown.

    This is all that has been written,
    as recalled by the souls returned;
    from the edge of the gates of the abyss,
    called back to this world to learn.




    Submitted on 2006-03-05 12:43:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      it reminds me of what they call heaven. i like it. it has good detail. keep posting. i really enjoy your work and i would like to read more by you soon. you are a good writer. once again, i do love the detail you put into this. keep up the awesome work.





    tina
    | Posted on 2007-06-07 00:00:00 | by ladiesplanet1 | [ Reply to This ]
      I definitely like this poem. I just think that you need to follow through with your thoughts before moving on to something new. I tend to do the same thing. You just need to let the words flow and not force them.
    | Posted on 2006-03-12 00:00:00 | by lostpoet25 | [ Reply to This ]
      It's an interesting poem, but some parts just didn't make sense. Some parts seemed to be going in a certain direction, but then they're abandoned.

    In s1, you began with "arriving" which should have followed with a narration, but instead you dropped to description. I would've rewritten s1 as

    At the open gate
    One arrives (or I arrived) disorientated, confused
    There are no signs of direction,
    Only a distant light of many hues.


    In s2, the first two lines don't transition smoothly. Maybe if you added a question mark after line 1?

    Your use of the word "As" in s4, line 1 also preludes to an event, or something that is going to happen, which.. doesn't. Also, the word "anomaly" seems to be misused. It's defined as

    " 1. Deviation or departure from the normal or common order, form, or rule.
    2. One that is peculiar, irregular, abnormal, or difficult to classify."


    So when you say "an anomaly of the unknown" it doesn't really make sense. I think you're aiming for something like "example" but if you can't find a word that fits, I'd try something like "doorway". You might want to rewrite this stanza as

    My spirit rises,
    elevated by an unknown force
    towards the intensifying light;
    a doorway to the unknown


    A big question for me is "What are they learning?"

    Perhaps I'm not reading that much into the poem as I'm supposed to. But I think that if the grammer is corrected, it'll make much more sense. That's just my intake though. Thanks for sharing, and take care.

    Jeanny
    | Posted on 2006-03-05 00:00:00 | by onewingdtenshi | [ Reply to This ]


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    93845

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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