Description: Written in Dec. 2005
I'm not sure if this is a poem, not my typical poem...so I dunno.....enjoy or tell me I suck...I'll tell you to eat me !
Be silent.
Be still.
You picture.
You painting of mine.
You creation.
Without my hands you wouldn't exist.
How can a painting haunt you in your sleep.
Haunt me with visions of what you will become.
Go away....just for now.
So I can breath.
I think it's a pretty good start. It could have more depth. As of right now it's elusive. I drop the just...in the second to last sentence. (just is one of the 3 words that most like to advoid, as it doesn't say much, if anything it means only...and there's no need to use it in this poem.) I'm sure someone pointed out "breath" is spelled wrong, that is, if it's suppose to be "breathe." Other than that I enjoy it, but i'm left thinking what the heck?
The main problem I had with this was the periods at the end of each line. I think you could convey a lot of meaning by just changing some of them to commas or question marks or other various insundry punctionation marks, and maybe getting rid of a few. Basically, I think this would be quite good if I knew where to pause and where to put stress on the words while reading it.
Sounds like Frankenstein/your average mad doctor haunted by some twisted creation that can't be reasoned with (and claiming his 'superiority' over the piece by virtue of being its 'creator'-how ironic!). Perhaps this could be a warning label for those learning to respect their muse (muse=master, artist=helpless slave to creative itch). Mildly amusing and all too true. Take care. Bill.
the visual thoughts of an artist... i'm impressed being an artis myself these questions that we ask areself due huant us. we sometimes wonder why do we pain and yet as writers we ask why do we write these things. we don't know we just do it and thats all. i find this pieces to be very powerful and clever with the wording great job in that i must compliment you for that. well thx for the great read.
Better get you hobnoggin to working cuz ur hop-scotching ain't too good. The portrait ain't real so forget about it. Haps a bit of CPR will do. I jest ain't hungry right now so hold off on your offer.since strange things ain't too palatable. Use a brush stroke to obliterate since that's the desired effect you want.
I would suggest: "How can a painting haunt my sleep, / haunt me with visions of what I'll become?" It's really unclear to me if you meant what you, the author, would become, or what the painting (whom you're addressing in the early lines) would become. I'm assuming the former is the case. The current construction of those 2 lines produces an awkward rhythm, which my suggestions attempt to improve. I hope this is helpful to you. fred
i had to read this twice through to understand it. i didnt realize it was like you talking to the painting at first but the second time through i understood it.
i liked it. it was short and different but i liked it. i myself paint. ...oil on canvas...and a lot of times i get a whole bunch of ideas of things that i really want to paint. and i just keep going through each one of them until i get a chance to paint them. and even after they are painted i have to sit there and stare at them forever to make sure they are good enough. and then i go back to them several times even after that. so i think i understand your overall message of this poem...
It could be free-verse. I don't really understand the whole thing. "You picture. You painting of mine. You creation." The doesn't sound quite right. Oh, ok I understand it now. You're painting the picture, and the image keeps coming in your mind while you dream? That's an interesting thing to write about. Did yuo have a specific reason to write it or message? Well, overall it was rather short, I guess it was okay...
Hmmmmm...what a strange thought that things of our past can haunt us. Forever is forever, and if eternity exists, then it is not forever. I really liked the feel of this poem. It really gave me goose pimples when I read "How can a painting haunt you in your sleep." The only thing I would change about that would be to actually put a question mark at the end. You change the feel by just putting a period. To put a question mark would add to creepy/mysteriops thing that you've got going on. I was very impressed with the way you brought the poem together. Lack of a rhyme scheme can be difficult to pull off, unless you know what you're doing. Overall, I was taken with this poem. Best Luck! ~Clover
Submission Name: Creation
