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    dots Submission Name: Beauty in Blackdots

    Author: keestu
    ASL Info:    32/male/Sydney
    Elite Ratio:    5.61 - 153/95/116
    Words: 93
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 962
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 530

       This written on 8 october 2005 was about an angel whom i never took notice of. She does look good but its not love as such and she hardly knows me. If your wondering whats with the date well its her birthday.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBeauty in Blackdots

    Black as said to be beauty in all,
    Stars to shine, for space to be.
    Made till eternity, shall she be of,
    The beauty in black, for eyes to see.

    So do I see a dream in reality?
    Happen so does with the smile on her face.
    Life passes fast along with death,
    Death for a moment with her eyes to embrace.

    Fire in ice is what makes life,
    So shall life, begin with her.
    May not her way be in the rainbow,
    The rainbows of love the rainbow fur her.

    Submitted on 2006-03-05 23:32:15     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Great poem. The words selected and placed to make it rhyme are excellent. The girl who inspired you write this poem should be grateful to you for sculpting her beauty in this poem. This will last forever.
    | Posted on 2010-02-16 00:00:00 | by thanja | [ Reply to This ]
      I know you wanted praise, but lwt me first critique. You had some speeling errors (which the other poets pointed out) and those were sistracting from the essence of the poem-aka please fix them-. If you put more emotion into this poem, it might be better. It seems like you were standing back, seperate from yourself and watching this take place, the more you are involved, the better the peice will be. Praise? the idea is good, but needs a little work. If i were you, I would not put praise on a peice unless you had a really hard time writing it and need encouragment.
    | Posted on 2006-03-23 00:00:00 | by orange | [ Reply to This ]
      First of all, Welcome to ES...
    This poem created an interesting picture in my mind, some thing similar to what Bitterlilly said.

    I don't think that this is the best poem I've ever read, or the worst, mediocre (sp?) If you put in more of your feelings for this woman, then you could greatly improve on it.

    About the rhymes you have adapted in this poem, I think that they are almost completely forced. Unless you were having an urge to rhyme this poem, you should remove the rhymes. Although they make a poem all the more joyful to read, they can mess up the wording, as they are in the second verse of your poem.

    "So do I see a dream in reality?
    Happen so does with the smile on her face.
    Life passes fast along with death,
    Death for a moment with her eyes to embrace"

    I can give you a suggestion, just let me know

    Thanks for sharing
    Will be back to read more

    | Posted on 2006-03-06 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]
      Title: When I first read this title, I couldn't help to think of the Chris Deburgh song "Lady in Red," and then maybe that you might want to look for something a little more unique. Then, I saw in my head a gorgeous young woman, in a simple long black cotton dress,... the type of woman who simply doesn't realize how stunning she is.

    On to the poem!
    OK, first of all, you majorly need to just read this and catch the typos. First line, "as" should be "is" and last line "fur" should be "for." There are a few other places where I can't tell if you've got a typo or if the wording is just awkward.

    The first two and a half lines intrigued me, especially because they have both internal rhyme and meter. But then it breaks down. I think something to strive for would be keeping the tone and voice from these first lines. The message I find in the following stanza, especially in the last line, is quite strong, but it gets lost.... the syntax and phrasing is just very difficult to wade through as is. In the final stanza, you seem to be trying to bring out metaphors of "black" and many-colored as compared to this girl, but currently it just doesn't work. The third line in the last stanza doesn't make any sense at all.

    So, I just noticed that you were looking for "Praise!" for this piece, but I can't help by try to help you make this better... I know I might sound harsh, but I'm that way to everyone, myself especially. It takes work in order to be great.
    | Posted on 2006-03-06 00:00:00 | by bitterlily | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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