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    dots Submission Name: Can't Take My Eyes Off Youdots

    Author: Raivn
    ASL Info:    33/f/al
    Elite Ratio:    4.28 - 1222/916/231
    Words: 136
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 845
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 814

       I don't think I like this much, but it's the only thing I've written recently.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCan't Take My Eyes Off Youdots

    I wandered into the same old room
    Saw you standing in my path
    I watched your face light up
    Every time you chose to laugh.
    I wandered over to the end of the line
    Saw you doing what you do
    I had to stop and watch you move
    I just can't keep my eyes off you.
    I wandered around, trying to forget
    I tried to stay away
    I'm just too weak, and I can't resist
    The connection that yanks me each day.
    I wandered outside to my car
    I saw you going to yours
    Furtively, I watched you walking
    As I lurked behind my door.
    I wandered to the corners of my mind
    Trying to find something to do.
    But instead I found you sitting there,
    And I can't take my eyes off you.

    Submitted on 2006-03-06 08:27:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      This shows the power of lust -- or even love at first sight -- in a unique, yet cliché, way. There's someone in my life that makes me feel just like this, so I can definately relate. I don't think there's anything about this one that I'd change.

    -x- Candie
    | Posted on 2006-03-24 00:00:00 | by teenage_dirtbag | [ Reply to This ]
      Thats so pretty
    I love it. I don't know why you dont.
    I was fascinated by how perfectly the lines fit together and rhymed.
    Everything about it is my idea of perfect.
    You described the feelings wonderfully.
    All I have for you is compliments.
    Very beautifully done

    | Posted on 2006-03-06 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
      See, you say you don't like this one that much but I liked it. And as for the Cory thing you and him are just gonna have to make friends if you two are gonna both see me. But this friday I have to work at Bingo and then I'm free. I bet I could leave early and stay the night with you. Cory is having surgery...so you wanna go to bingo? or something...i dunno i figured we could work it out.

    | Posted on 2006-03-06 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, I think this has real potential to be better. I think that you could of elaborated on why this person held your attention. Explain more of how you felt, and why you were so shy. Those things I feel are just details that is lacking from this, makes this one not as strong as it could be. Your was a little off, but that could be mended. Overall, I liked this alot. Great job.

    | Posted on 2006-03-06 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      i like this makes me feel wanted from jsut reading it...reminds me of how i met my current love...he couldn't take his eyes off me and vise versa...and ""POOF"" now and forever in love! lol i like the wording also jsut the write choice to get the right mood for the piece.

    keep writing and i added this one as a fav!

    | Posted on 2006-03-06 00:00:00 | by MartiniMadeLvr | [ Reply to This ]

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