Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Can't Take My Eyes Off Youdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Raivn
    ASL Info:    33/f/al
    Elite Ratio:    4.28 - 1222/916/231
    Words: 136
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 845
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 814



    Description:
       I don't think I like this much, but it's the only thing I've written recently.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCan't Take My Eyes Off Youdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I wandered into the same old room
    Saw you standing in my path
    I watched your face light up
    Every time you chose to laugh.
    I wandered over to the end of the line
    Saw you doing what you do
    I had to stop and watch you move
    I just can't keep my eyes off you.
    I wandered around, trying to forget
    I tried to stay away
    I'm just too weak, and I can't resist
    The connection that yanks me each day.
    I wandered outside to my car
    I saw you going to yours
    Furtively, I watched you walking
    As I lurked behind my door.
    I wandered to the corners of my mind
    Trying to find something to do.
    But instead I found you sitting there,
    And I can't take my eyes off you.





    Submitted on 2006-03-06 08:27:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This shows the power of lust -- or even love at first sight -- in a unique, yet cliché, way. There's someone in my life that makes me feel just like this, so I can definately relate. I don't think there's anything about this one that I'd change.

    -x- Candie
    | Posted on 2006-03-24 00:00:00 | by teenage_dirtbag | [ Reply to This ]
      Thats so pretty
    I love it. I don't know why you dont.
    I was fascinated by how perfectly the lines fit together and rhymed.
    Everything about it is my idea of perfect.
    You described the feelings wonderfully.
    All I have for you is compliments.
    Very beautifully done

    -nikkki
    | Posted on 2006-03-06 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
      See, you say you don't like this one that much but I liked it. And as for the Cory thing you and him are just gonna have to make friends if you two are gonna both see me. But this friday I have to work at Bingo and then I'm free. I bet I could leave early and stay the night with you. Cory is having surgery...so you wanna go to bingo? or something...i dunno i figured we could work it out.

    Peace
    Jazmine
    | Posted on 2006-03-06 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, I think this has real potential to be better. I think that you could of elaborated on why this person held your attention. Explain more of how you felt, and why you were so shy. Those things I feel are just details that is lacking from this, makes this one not as strong as it could be. Your was a little off, but that could be mended. Overall, I liked this alot. Great job.

    Maggie
    | Posted on 2006-03-06 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      i like this makes me feel wanted from jsut reading it...reminds me of how i met my current love...he couldn't take his eyes off me and vise versa...and ""POOF"" now and forever in love! lol i like the wording also jsut the write choice to get the right mood for the piece.

    keep writing and i added this one as a fav!

    .:Martini:.
    | Posted on 2006-03-06 00:00:00 | by MartiniMadeLvr | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    93919

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    Rooted in Nature written by Chelebel
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    The World written by jjd
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    untitled written by Outlaw
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Live In Between written by teika5
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    The Abyss of Love written by poetotoe
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry