A bit sad and bittersweet. Asking, is there life "out there"?.. because you no longer feel alive where you are, and with whom you're with. That's how this poem made me feel.
It mostly flows well with a bit of "slowing down here and there". Your "voice" his heard throughout the write, so that's good.
To help with the rhythm I'll give my humble suggestions S1 - perhaps change one of the "colds" to something else? S4 L4 -remove "can" S5 L2 - remove "I'll" S5 L4 - rearrange "never have" to "have never" and.. your misplaced punctuations are a bit distracting ( I have the worst time with those in my own writing).
So that's it. My bit of advice to this otherwse very good and interesting read.
I have to disagree with Sandra,I don't think it needs any chages in it, its simply beauitful just the way it is,and the last stanza is just breathtaking said with such feeling and depth I just love this poem,am looking forward to reading more of your work adnil
i like the last stanza...but i have heard the risk dying or risk never living before. i still like it though cause it went well. the thought of climbing blind to find a way home seems scary and senseless but that's ok. i kinda got that. nice job. i like it.
Very well done You expresed your pain of losing someone dear to you You then showed us how alone it is without this person in your life This is a sad story but you really put it beautifully to words God Bless Ron
Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think Thank You Ron
It's a very honest display of what we must do when we've been left waiting at the bottom of a dark cavern and the person who we were waiting for just wasn't that person. You must turn around and climb out or you'l just be stuck. Nice write, and its extremely beautiful.
Excellent! You created a poem that had great imagery and wording, plus was very clear in it's meaning...freaking brillant. I loved all the stanzas, but the last one is my favorite. You captered the feel of a situation where you must decide your welfare over love that is not giving you enough to survive life with. And the fact you chose to to say it was like a blind climb upwards a mountain shows how hard it is to leave and do what must be done, that this act of saving yourself, will not be a breeze. I think you did a exceptional job. And think that this was perfect in every way.
Hey Heather! I know we have a weird no comment stalemate thing going but I really liked this so I had to drop in and say something.
With that done, I really like this a lot. It has a power and resolution that it carries with consciderable dignity, just the right tone and length for its subject and your rhyme work in improving a lot. Good stuff!