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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Climbing Blinddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: delusional
    ASL Info:    42
    Elite Ratio:    3.8 - 75/98/18
    Words: 117
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 696
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 746



    Description:
       The title pretty much sums up the feeling in this poem-


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsClimbing Blinddots
    -------------------------------------------


    A bitter, cold March day
    your words pass through me
    biting and harsh like the winds.
    This paper shrine is all I see:

    I built this shelter for us-
    but no comfort do I find.
    A sanctuary with you-
    exsists only in my mind.

    An old unfamiliar sound
    now whispers in my ears:
    could only be my spirit's voice-
    I havent listened to in years.

    I turn to face the mountain:
    this trek I'll make alone;
    climbing blind if need be-
    until I can find my home.

    My footing will often crumble-
    and I'll be threatened with a fall:
    but to stay here is to die;
    or to have never lived at all.




    Submitted on 2006-03-06 09:27:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      A bit sad and bittersweet. Asking, is there life "out there"?.. because you no longer feel alive where you are, and with whom you're with. That's how this poem made me feel.

    It mostly flows well with a bit of "slowing down here and there". Your "voice" his heard throughout the write, so that's good.

    To help with the rhythm I'll give my humble suggestions
    S1 - perhaps change one of the "colds" to something else?
    S4 L4 -remove "can"
    S5 L2 - remove "I'll"
    S5 L4 - rearrange "never have" to "have never"
    and.. your misplaced punctuations are a bit distracting ( I have the worst time with those in my own writing).

    So that's it. My bit of advice to this otherwse very good and interesting read.

    I love the title!

    ~Sandra
    | Posted on 2006-03-06 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      I have to disagree with Sandra,I don't think it needs any chages in it, its simply beauitful just the way it is,and the last stanza is just breathtaking said with such feeling and depth I just love this poem,am looking forward to reading more of your work
    adnil
    | Posted on 2006-03-06 00:00:00 | by adnil | [ Reply to This ]
      i like the last stanza...but i have heard the risk dying or risk never living before. i still like it though cause it went well. the thought of climbing blind to find a way home seems scary and senseless but that's ok. i kinda got that. nice job. i like it.
    | Posted on 2006-03-06 00:00:00 | by beth freese | [ Reply to This ]
      Very well done
    You expresed your pain of losing someone dear to you
    You then showed us how alone it is without this person in your life
    This is a sad story but you really put it beautifully to words
    God Bless
    Ron

    Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-03-06 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      It's a very honest display of what we must do when we've been left waiting at the bottom of a dark cavern and the person who we were waiting for just wasn't that person. You must turn around and climb out or you'l just be stuck. Nice write, and its extremely beautiful.
    | Posted on 2006-03-06 00:00:00 | by SincerWritinAsh | [ Reply to This ]
      Excellent! You created a poem that had great imagery and wording, plus was very clear in it's meaning...freaking brillant. I loved all the stanzas, but the last one is my favorite. You captered the feel of a situation where you must decide your welfare over love that is not giving you enough to survive life with. And the fact you chose to to say it was like a blind climb upwards a mountain shows how hard it is to leave and do what must be done, that this act of saving yourself, will not be a breeze. I think you did a exceptional job. And think that this was perfect in every way.

    Maggie
    | Posted on 2006-03-06 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey Heather! I know we have a weird no comment stalemate thing going but I really liked this so I had to drop in and say something.

    Something

    With that done, I really like this a lot. It has a power and resolution that it carries with consciderable dignity, just the right tone and length for its subject and your rhyme work in improving a lot. Good stuff!

    Jason
    | Posted on 2006-03-10 00:00:00 | by Jason The Basta | [ Reply to This ]


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