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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Awakeningdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: giventofly
    ASL Info:    19/M/Seattle, Washington
    Elite Ratio:    5.22 - 74/75/27
    Words: 232
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 937
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1585



    Description:
       An early work of mine that I never really touched after the initial draft was done. I know the foot/meter needs to be re-tooled, and I am slowly getting around to thinking about not not doing that:) ...whatever. But anything else anyone can offer as far as critical analysis is concerned would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Awakeningdots
    -------------------------------------------


    He walks to the casket, laid open bare
    Looks to a countenance powdered and fair
    Bends over low, still afraid of the air
    He knows the man inside

    People around bedarkened and grieved
    Black fishnet leggings and carnations relieved
    Recalling the days of death inconcieved
    But all those memories lied

    Survivors in line to pay thier respects
    Upon their very own lives will reflect
    But never truly imbibe its effects
    Or truths to which it lends

    He walks through the crowd with it's chattering coarse
    Knows none with whom he shares his remorse
    He feels all their pain but knows not its source
    Until the awakening's end

    The grass thrives on those who've come long before
    Ivy, the gravestones' inscriptions implore
    Widows in sight with no tears to outpour
    Roses fall all alone

    The white collar clasps its deep muffled sound
    With his book, the soul of what's said here is bound
    It's enturage giving it up to it's ground
    To fall into the unknown

    Watching his acquaintance find his last home
    Where no stars will shine and no storms will roam
    Where he won't see the sunrise or the ocean tide's foam
    All vanish without a trace

    With shattering glass he jolts from his dream
    He sees his eyes and their weakening seam
    Past the watery shallows that gleam
    The mirror's very own face




    Submitted on 2006-03-06 14:07:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      First of all I want to give you the biggest thankyou for helping me out with my poem and leaving such a great comment. I've been wanting to fix that one for a while, and having so much feedback was awesome. I am here to return the favour,and have read three of your poems - I've been looking for one which I could give some critique on to help you as much as you had helped me, but truth be told, I love your poems. I haven't found anything I didn't like, or that needed fixing in any of them so far. Your style, the words, the vocabulary - I love it. Right from the beginning of this poem I was pulled in, especially the last line of the first stanza 'He knows the man inside'. It wasn't after a second read through (because I wanted to, not because I didn't understand it) did I notice the full rhyme scheme - the a,a,a was obvious, but the last lines from each stanza didn't stick out so much, and when it did I was only more impressed. You're truly talented, and there is alot I could learn from you. Amazing.
    | Posted on 2006-03-22 00:00:00 | by stefhy | [ Reply to This ]
      Much Better! The feel is right now. Like I said, the theme is reallt amazing and the changes make it even better. Please feel free to read anything I write and post. I love getting advice and comments in general. I would especially like to get one from people who can write. Thanks for taking my advice into consideration. Talk to you soon!
    ~Clover
    | Posted on 2006-03-09 00:00:00 | by clovernfoxglove | [ Reply to This ]
      First of all, I'd like to tell you that your meter is fine, you just didn't break it up correctly. Things were going great with the flow until the fourth stanza.
    Instead of cramping those two sentences together, continue with the scheme you had going and add a dash to create the longer pause that you wanted.
    The second from last stanza felt a little forced, so in general, I would just revisit that and try some rewording. Over all, I really liked the poem. The whole them of realization, is well conveyed, and your use of words is great. Thanks for posting. This was fun to critique, because I actually had to read it to see what was wrong. Most of the poetry I've seen lately, has been read-the-first-line-and-know-it-sucks type.
    Best Luck!
    Clover
    | Posted on 2006-03-06 00:00:00 | by clovernfoxglove | [ Reply to This ]


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