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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Beginningdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: faln_angl
    ASL Info:    25/f/MN
    Elite Ratio:    4.66 - 99/96/17
    Words: 66
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 171
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 482



    Description:
       Sweet Dreams


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBeginningdots
    -------------------------------------------


    This is a kiss
    sent from my raspberry lips
    with childish glee
    and a schoolgirl's plea
    to dream
    a thousand dreams
    of me.
    Hold my memory
    tight in your arms,
    close to your heart.
    I'm thinking of you
    as I hold onto
    my pillow of sanity.
    Laying in the dark,
    staring at the stars,
    breathing,
    thinking,
    loving
    in synchronicity
    with your heart.




    Submitted on 2006-03-06 22:55:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Very well said
    I like the sentiment of this poem
    My favorite line was really the first
    This is a kiss sent from rasberry lips
    I love the image that line created
    A beautiful image of love
    Great Write
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-03-07 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      I like it. I find it strongest at the "beginning" and the end. The middle lags a bit, but you can fix it. I like the line "my pillow of sanity".

    Suggestions:

    L2 & L3 Move "sent" to start L3.
    L8, 9, & 10. -
    "hold me as a memory
    so tight in your arms
    I squeeze into your heart"

    or some other image, not just being held close to a heart, something new and unique.

    L11, 12, & 13
    "my mind is on you
    as I cling to
    my pillow of sanity"

    Would like to see another rhyme not "you
    / onto (to)". Something less obvious.

    A very nice poem of longing, or missing someone. Your images are terrific at the start and finish and just need to be perked up, there, in the middle. Overall a nice bit of work.

    Phil
    | Posted on 2006-03-06 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      You continue to amaze me with your words. I get such a feeling passion, longing, and quiet desire. I'm left in awe. I think that I've probably used the word awe or captivating or something of the like on your last 3 or 4 poems, but I can't think of anything that could better describe what goes through my mind...and heart, when I read your work.

    ~Corey
    | Posted on 2006-03-07 00:00:00 | by Ravenwood | [ Reply to This ]



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