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    dots Submission Name: fadeddots

    Author: my pain
    ASL Info:    16/F/aust
    Elite Ratio:    5.55 - 191/123/39
    Words: 94
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1028
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 573

       this is just a quick write and yes i know its lame

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    its like i'm rolling down a hill,
    being bitten by ants,
    and yet no matter how long i fall,
    there never seems to be an end.

    why is it, that no matter how hard i try,
    the picture i paint always ends with another faded smile.

    the words i say not even i can hear,
    its like the beautiful wall i built inside,
    is crumbling and letting in the fear.

    the lifeless body i inhabit,
    treds along the path without worry,
    until i become just a distant shadow

    Submitted on 2006-03-07 01:50:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    3: meh!
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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      This speaks of helplessness and bemusement.
    I do understand what's like to go in downright spiral of agony... I relate to this...

    I didn't think it was lame but it need some tweaking ... for instance you could do something about line 6 maybe condense it or cut it into two. And I guess you made a typo almost at the end coz I could find the word "treds" I suppose you meant "trees along" have a look at it.

    I concur with Selina when she points out the first stanza saying that this is an appealing and engaging way to start a write. In a similar vein, I have to say that the imagery that was presented was very alluring and quite effective.

    Well, that's pretty much it.

    Take care,


    | Posted on 2006-03-12 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]
      There are beautiful and very eloquent expressions. The beginning is both original and engaging:

    its like Iím rolling down a hill,
    being bitten by ants,

    That caught my attention straight away. The idea of you becoming just the faded out image of yourself is good especially when it unites with the last line 'just a distant shadow'.

    | Posted on 2006-03-07 00:00:00 | by Speacenik | [ Reply to This ]

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