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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: You Breathedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Cindergarden1
    ASL Info:    18 Male Sweden
    Elite Ratio:    4.69 - 43/58/17
    Words: 85
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Romance
    Total Views: 809
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 577



    Description:
       This song is about making love to a very very special someone... I love her.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsYou Breathedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Your skin is warm
    Where our bodies meet
    There's only you and me
    Alone between the sheets
    We make music when we touch
    I'm still amazed
    that my heart can feel this much
    You breathe so fast
    And I don't think
    That I've ever been this close
    To you before

    The night grows older
    But I won't sleep
    I know this moment is mine to keep
    You breathe so slow
    And I don't think
    That I've ever been this close
    To you before




    Submitted on 2006-03-07 03:25:01     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      hmmm. isn't love grand? lol. sounds like you have a bit of it to inspire you. i really enjoyed the sincerity in this.
    you wanted nitpicking details but i really don't have anything to complain about. i like the contrast. the first part i sensed a bit of rushing noise (you said you made music) and you being really close. and in the second part of it i see a subsiding quietness (night growing older) and yet you still are close. it like no matter the moment in your passion, whether it is grinding as one in intercourse or lying still side by side there is sense of being one with each other. being so close to someone is really a wonderful thing and its moments like are here described in this poem that make life seem so sweet.
    may you have many more inspiring moments to fuel your work.
    take care,
    ~Cynthia
    | Posted on 2006-03-07 00:00:00 | by Sacred Sindy | [ Reply to This ]
      Naww! It's so cute! Sorry, I really like it though. You have a very liquid rhyme scheme. And I like the way you made the lines at the end of both stanzas similar, but a little different. That is one of my favorite things about it. I think the second stanza needs a little work so that it has around the same amount of lines as the first. It seems a bit incomplete right now. But the first stanza is great! Good job! lol. Cynthia down there used the title to an Atreyu song as the frist line of her post. (I love Atreyu!) Just pointing it out. Peace!

    Forever,
    Lilithe
    | Posted on 2006-03-07 00:00:00 | by Lilithe_Aislin | [ Reply to This ]
      wow, u still got it..you know just what to say...ure my poetic oracle, u know that? Everything Ive read from you is a fav for me. I hope this is a song ure working on, if so send it to me on aim. Ciao Viking!!!
    | Posted on 2006-05-14 00:00:00 | by lolavie | [ Reply to This ]


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