I think this read more like your jounal entry than a poem. I think you focused on asking to many questions for your readers and it made it hard to keep pace and stay attentive. This was good, just needs some revising maybe. Tone down all the questions and I' think you will be fine.
i like this alot it i love the way the questions are formed they don't seem to be in the normal order and it makes the poem better to read. i like all the questions also because they make you think about the poem rather than just reading it i like the last to lines also and i like that it ends in why it seems despairing and is really good to me... VYnom