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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: brokendots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: sushi wok
    ASL Info:    19/f/australia
    Elite Ratio:    4.12 - 64/67/13
    Words: 65
    Class/Type: Poetry/Broken
    Total Views: 766
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 426



    Description:
       it's been a very long time since i've written a poem, so maybe not up to my usual standards. i hope u like any ways.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsbrokendots
    -------------------------------------------


    Is there anyone who can piece me back whole,
    from the thousands shards,
    of a broken love lost.
    Now the dark hole which is my heart.

    I am here, I am there.
    I am everywhere.
    I'm the fallen autumn leaves,
    discarded to die,
    to wither away.
    Forever forgotten.

    To have my body dry and lifeless,
    I crunch easily in your hands.




    Submitted on 2006-03-08 05:13:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I loved the part about the leaves. I think this is very good for someone who has been away from writing for awhile! I think your chose of words was excellent na dthe flow was good also. It's very hard when one person can make or break you. And this poem captures that simple truth. Good work!

    Maggie
    | Posted on 2006-03-11 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      This was rather dark. I too have fallen into many pieces before. And I know how hard it is not only to piece yourself back together but to find all of the pieces again as well. And even though you put yourself back together...which takes a lot of time and self devotion...you still are missing a couple of pieces. But those are the pieces that are meant to be gone. Or in your terms...the leaves that are meant to blow away.

    I liked this. Even though you haven't written in a while...you still have the spark!

    Good job!

    Li Li
    | Posted on 2006-03-08 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ]
      i think its a wonderfull write, to be plain honest. though it was a bit short and sweet your poetic vision is very nice. good rhytm and wording.

    To have my body dry and lifeless, = good work up to a good conclusion

    I crunch easily in your hands. <- isnt a good conclusion.

    its to abrupt.

    i cann see you have talent. work with it :)
    | Posted on 2006-03-08 00:00:00 | by siroez | [ Reply to This ]
      A nice change on lost love poetry.
    I really like the part about the leaves. I think you have a good poetic mindset with that. But the first part about the shards of glass (though good) doesn't go with the rest of the write.

    Just needs a little work. (of course that's my opinion, not everyones .

    Also, the last line.. maybe something like < crumbling in your hands< would sound better?

    I can see you have talent. Work with it.

    ~Sandra
    | Posted on 2006-03-08 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]


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