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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: teeny tiny girldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Raivn
    ASL Info:    33/f/al
    Elite Ratio:    4.28 - 1222/916/231
    Words: 140
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 828
    Average Vote:    3.0000
    Bytes: 907



    Description:
       bored and sick last night, this is what I did to feel better


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsteeny tiny girldots
    -------------------------------------------


    She's just a teeny tiny person
    In your oversized world
    She wears her pants too long
    She wears her hair in curls
    She's just a little portion
    Of what life has in store
    She's achingly young and innocent
    Right down to her very core
    She's just a teeny tiny nymph
    Hidden in the shadows of a tree
    She is the color in a rainbow
    She's the child in you and me
    She's just a little part
    Of that thing you call your life
    She'll never have a child
    She'll never be a wife
    She's just a teeny tiny person
    Who sheds her teeny tiny tears
    She has her teeny tiny joys
    And her teeny tiny fears
    She's just a miniscule piece
    Of the world you tore apart
    She's the only thing that fits
    That tiny place in your heart.




    Submitted on 2006-03-08 05:42:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      There's a teeny tiny thought
    floating through a slightly tiny mind
    with a long-winded dialogue
    caught in a wishy-washy whine
    and there's a teeny-tiny chance
    that in this teeny-tiny poem
    that the repetition of she,
    should just be left alone
    Though it may cause a teeny-tiny problem
    detracting from the flow
    the repetition adds a bit more
    to the show
    the flow to me is harmed
    not by the persistent she
    but instead by the inconsistent rhymes
    what once sound the same, abruptly becomes empty
    ------
    With that out of the way, line seven starts off by detracting from the flow and rhythm too soon. While it is possible that the flow was intentionally interupted, I don't think it was meant to be. The "very" in line 8 seems unecessary, or not so much unecessary as much as it just doesn't fit. "Very" might fit if line seven is changed in such a way that "very" fits in, otherwise, if you really want to keep "very", removing the two words "right down" would make it so very fits, at least with the rhythm of the poem as I think it is. The twenty-fourth line [last line] also breaks from the rhythm, I find it hard to say it in a way that flows well with the rest of the poem's flow. I think if you remove "that" from the last line, and replace it with "the" and if you replace "in" with, "within" I think it would work better whether or not "that" is "that" or "the".
    And sorry about the bad poem that I started with, I just felt I had to do it after reading this. I don't see much problem with having "she" and its variants at the beginning of most of the setences. The repetition adds something that some people might miss. I noticed the stilted rhyming/flow more than anything. Mm. That's all for now.
    | Posted on 2006-03-21 00:00:00 | by Sir Jimeth | [ Reply to This ]
      wonderful write, I liked this poem from start to finsh and the teeny tiny thing really did work grand in this piece there isn't a thing I would change about this write,its awesome just the way it is
    adnil
    | Posted on 2006-03-08 00:00:00 | by adnil | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this a lot. You do a good job here with the metaphor of the child is us. Nice work. Only suggestion I can make is to eliminate some of the 'she's' so you have them more strategically placed through the poem. Nice!

    Peace,

    Joe
    | Posted on 2006-03-08 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      This is SUCh a cute little poem! I loveee it!
    It reminds me of that country song.. itty bitty.
    And it really makes you think that, yea.. people dont have to be perfect in order for you to love them.
    good job!
    | Posted on 2006-03-08 00:00:00 | by Lova_Star | [ Reply to This ]
      Awww...I liked the ending, it was sweet how she has a place in someones heart. Very nice structure and format to the write. I liked it!
    | Posted on 2006-03-08 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
      I really liked this one! The ending of it was wonderful. It defintely closed the poem wonderfully. I too like the "teeny tiny" bit. It gave a poem with such depth and darkness that little bit of light and innocense.

    My favorite part was:

    She's just a teeny tiny nymph
    Hidden in the shadows of a tree

    It gave it that imaginative fantasy side.

    This was great! Keep it up!

    Much love,

    Li Li
    | Posted on 2006-03-08 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ]
      This was just awesome... I love how you took the literal meaning of the teeny person concept and then you put in what it symbolized...wonderfully brilliant.
    | Posted on 2006-03-08 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like the feel to this write. The "teeny tiny" thing works well. Too many "she's" though. The repetition is distracting. And something this interesting (and fun to read) doesn't need distractions.

    And (just for fun) I'd change that last part to >

    Shes' the only thing that fits
    In your teeny tiny heart.

    Good work! I enjoyed!
    ~Sandra
    | Posted on 2006-03-08 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      I love how the "teeny little person" is innocent and happy like, as you said, the child within us. Ever since Tony said that...you've been wrapped up in this "teeny lady" theme. It's really neat...I think. I like the way the poem ryhmed. Very well written. :)
    | Posted on 2006-03-08 00:00:00 | by bleeding-soul | [ Reply to This ]


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