Description: I don't use this sight much as I seldom write at night because I'm working . please forgive spelling/ grammar errors it's late for me i've just finished working and I'm recovering from some sort of respiratory infection. I am interested in any thoughts even grammatical of spelling help. i perform for the most part but I like to use word play and other devices to give dual meaning to my pieces. Thanks to freinds and strangers alike
peace
She remained asleep within me
Until puberty created an oppurtunity;
Which she seized,
Affectionately kissing me
But
Her lips leave elipses;
Blisters in the form of kisses
This seems strange
It's as if sides have changed
you see it is she who illuminates me
And if I'm the moon then she must be
The sun
But trust niether one of us will be completely one or the other
In fact I've discovered the moon is never full
She hungers incessantly
Luminescent
She
Envelopes the heat of the sun
And I've begun to see this feminine side----ache
Is the same as a woman having her period
Perhaps that's why I never finish sentences;
I fear punctuation will cause more pain
How do I explain the language of the heart;
Languishing,
Withering without words
I rehearse each verse until her tears appear
But even those are misinterpreted by prose;
Overly exposed polariods, solarized by her solar eyes
The diamond mines of mine turn to coal
Not wanting to admit I've lost control
I grab a pick axe and start digging holes for her sole to slip into
Hoping that if I hide those high-heeled shoes
I'll be able to convince myself my selfishness created her
Purrrrrr-haps she; a cat casting glances past the present and into the future sees some suitable sutra
My mudra is that of the Buddha;
Thumb to little finger
So why do I feel like a singer sowing machine
without a-ccord
This for some reason aroused me in a way I've never been before. The passion makes me jealous, although having my period while being intamite has happened to me once before, and again, I can totally relate to this piece, although not as clear as the last I read.
The only part I didn't like:
"Not wanting to admit I've lost control
I grab a pick axe and start digging holes for her sole to slip into
Hoping that if I hide those high-heeled shoes
I'll be able to convince myself my selfishness created her
Purrrrrr-haps she; a cat casting glances past the present and into the future sees some suitable sutra"
It really didn't fit into what you made, and it takes away from the beauty. I understand how you want to be different, and by using 'Purrrrrr-haps' it is quite different, but it sounds to me like you slipped a cat in the set just to add that 'Purrrrrr-haps' and therfore be different and put aside from other writers on the site.
Maybe you didn't mean that, but it comes off that way, at least to me.
As for the whole story... I find it a little confusing and dosseled around in the end, you really set the ending away from the beginning and middle, and made it really difficult to understand. It seems almost depressing, though, I get the feeling death is in affect, and that murder was held in your hands.
I hope you appreciate my comments, because the others that put their two cents in seem to be almost afraid to say what is really wrong here. Frankly, this is a great piece, and your good skills are not taken for granted.
I guess, It's all in the eyes of the beholder, and I could honestly be the only fool who thinks this way, and sees this poem like I do, but I'm pretty sure I'm right, and it's others who are blind, not me.
You also have this way of writing... when I read your work I automaticlly think of a poetry reading, how they jump around words and speak with such emotion, in my head, you use a combination of words and phrases and bounce around so much that there really is no other way to read it than with emotion like poetry readings.
Again, this was great. After reading the second one, I had to read this one... and I have to say this one is more subtle and passionate.
'But Her lips leave elipses;'
Reminds me of a poem I read by heartless name, although, his imagery was a lot more detailed and sorrowful. Yours seems passionate yet... sadistic.
I love the way you rhyme in the lines, it also reminds me of poetry by the same poet... it gives the poem a greater sense of structure and flow.
'Is the same as a woman having her period Perhaps that's why I never finish sentences; I fear punctuation will cause more pain'
Has to've been my favorite line. It's so unbelievably intellectual and rather sly. Although, I msut say, not all women are devlish on their periods.
But once again, great work I think I've been inspired... but that's yet to be spoken for. I love your dark sense of beign abstact and creative. And ytes,you're right there are a lot of grammatical and spelling errors...
OppoUrtunity, sIEzed, fROm... all very simple things. I guess you edited out the rest when you were less tired. I hope your respitory infection has gotten better.
I love this Dave, the only thing I see is mundra, which should be mudra, meaning a position of the hands during meditation.
Other than that, I always respect the way you honor women, your aproach is gentle and subtle in every way. You make us laugh at ourselves and enjoy the fun of being human.
And you're not afraid to laugh at yourself, that I commend with high esteem! Thanks for sharing,
She remained asleep within me Until puberty created an oppurtunity; Which she seized, Affectionately kissing me
Ok ...what a way to start...I love that. Then you hit a home run on the second. As always you have an unbelievable play on words..You amaze me with your ability to do it with such ease. Always very clever and ...hmmm I want to say flip side to the thought...so I will. I'm always on the edge of my seat wanting more...so to your journal I will go and reread that one that was there yesterday...because that one was also a killer flip
I cannot help with the grammer...not only am I tired as ever but I suck at grammer...I also need to get up in a few hours and do this fricken work thing all over again.
So long story short...this one pulled at my heart strings and made me want to reach through and keep the fire going...in other words I loved it...Jodans is right A+
Wow. All I can say is you must have been REALLY tired when you wrote this. The way it is written, I would almost think the grammatic mistakes are intentional. Which, I am not being condescending. I think it's cool. But yeah, I am tired too and I think tired minds have connected. A+
Submission Name: feminine side-ache
