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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sweet Sixteendots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: DeepDreamer2008
    ASL Info:    17/F/UK
    Elite Ratio:    6.89 - 714/497/55
    Words: 113
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 1895
    Average Vote:    4.3333
    Bytes: 850



    Description:
       It's my birthday


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSweet Sixteendots
    -------------------------------------------


     
    Today, they say, Iím sweet sixteen
    Five thousand and eight hundred days
    I now recall all that Iíve seen
    In pleasant and despondent ways

    Waving childhood one last farewell
    Today, they say, Iím sweet sixteen
    The past (where I canít help but dwell)
    Must now be cast behind a screen

    What I will to be, who Iíve been
    In my past and my future years
    Today, they say, Iím sweet sixteen
    The past now leaves while future nears

    Birthdays are anniversaries
    Of unheard laughs and tears unseen
    I wipe with tears old memories
    Today, they say, Iím sweet sixteen

    08/03/06






    Submitted on 2006-03-08 07:22:15     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      This a bitter sweet poem. no pun intended

    The rhyme here comes more naturally than the other piece I read of you.
    It is straight forward and not rant-y just nostalgic. Reminds me of something I wrote ages ago. It was a French poem about not being a child anymore.
    I think we all get to these turning points in our lives.

    I turn 30 in June and for the 1st time of my life I feel that I am grown up. I dunno if it is just because usually everyone talks about these turning points, or it is that you really change.
    Somehow I believe that the change happens over the years yet at these turning points we make the balance of what have been and we realize this change.

    I admit having thoughts I never had before, but I am trying to escape the trap of the big 3-0, after all age is what u make of it.

    You will have much more turning points in your life, make them unique, amazingly enough it is they are universal.

    I ended up rambling and not really commenting here.
    I'd take the advice of your 1st comment and keep the sweet 16 in the 1st and last stanza only, the repetition is not necessary.
    That is the only nitpick, the rest works fine, I don't see anything wrong with the flow, the rhythm is equal except maybe in your 2nd verse, u could do without the and.

    Sweet 16 does not sees to have been so sweet to you, you saw it as a mourning to your past and your childhood, but there is one thing you can be sure, the child you have been only disappears if you let it. Don't be afraid to be silly, you only grow old when you allow yourself to.

    A piece that gets you thinking, it has a universal meaning although it is just about 16.

    V
    | Posted on 2008-02-23 00:00:00 | by babyblue002 | [ Reply to This ]
      I love the picture you depict in this and my favorite part is when you count the days... I'm not a female so I can't relate to the feeling you may get when you reach that point but I have to tell you that you are very skilled for your age... I also feel very stupid for the learnt learned lol but I have to give it up because in this I could see through the eyes of the writer and actually understand easily it wasn't hard to read which I liked wonderful write to explain that feeling of coming into a new stage of life... Bravo Anthony...
    | Posted on 2006-04-05 00:00:00 | by Kersofmia | [ Reply to This ]
      *clears throat and stands on soap box*

    Forgive me if this makes no sense whatsoever, my comment-er is a bit stiff. Can I have some oil? Please? Pretty please?

    Hmm Hmm Hmm... Not very unique, unlike what you have a tendancy to drag from your five thousand and eight hundred and nine day old brain, but it's definently not an exact clone.

    There isn't any work, that I can see, that needs to be done. Nothing urgent that needs to be brought to your attention immediately. Or, rather, anything at all. Hehe.

    The format worked well, I thought. In places, it's a bit shaky, but nothing's bad enough to take a sledge hammer to.

    All in all: Four from me.

    Sammy

    P.s. How'd I do? lol.
    | Posted on 2006-03-17 00:00:00 | by Raven_TheWolf | [ Reply to This ]
      You have to forgive me if my comment comes across a bit lame I somewhat rusty on this comment thing.

    Anyways on to the poem. I really like the way you this is written this, though you say you are sixteen this piece seems very mature.

    I nice coming of age piece, if you will, good write keep up the good work and good day.
    | Posted on 2006-03-15 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi there! I really enjoyed your birthday poem (happy belated, by the way).

    The first stanza sets the tone - nice use of syllables here (8 per line), and the rhyme was right on track.

    The second stanza - still 8 syllables (good stuff :) - and a nice rhyme. However, I do question the use of the parentheses. Were they really necessary, or would a comma been just as effective? I rarely use commas or parentheses, but that's just me - as long as the reader knows where to pause, it's all cool!

    Wow - a very profound line! What I will to be, who Iíve been - very nice. Is if to say, without a doubt - that you are in control of your destiny! Wicked cool! This stanza also sets the reader up for a quick moment of thought regarding the age of being 16 - it makes you recall what it was like (I remember all too well - what a great age to be!).

    And to you I say - a job well done! Nice rhythm all through the poem. Excellent time (which I checked while reading out loud. I would be interested in knowing if you have tried other syllable patterns, if so, which of your poems would you recommend?
    Ciao, Kelly
    | Posted on 2006-03-13 00:00:00 | by krs3332003 | [ Reply to This ]
      Happy belated birthday!! Or is it belated happy birthday??

    I'm not as educated in the various forms of poetry as I could be and Quaterne is new to me. Typically form strikes me as restrictive and I don't like form strictly for its own purpose.

    Here though, the form adds something to the piece. Since you're exploring your sixteenth as a transition, the progression of the repeated line adds emphasis. As you begin to explore, it leads the stanza, it progresses through and as you wrap up your thoughts, the line is there at the end to finish it for you.

    I might have to try a quaterne myself.

    Nicely done,



    Steve
    | Posted on 2006-03-13 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

    I remember when I turned sixteen. It didn't feel like a big deal anymore. I remember reminiscing though on the past. I remember past birthdays and that exhilirating feeling of knowing that when your birthday came you would be filled with love, friends, family, and most importantly cake. Now when I look at my birthdays I feel that it is just another day. People congratulate me for being older, wiser they say. I don't feel wiser, if anything dumber. I think that when I was little I held wisdom but that as time went by it robbed me of that. Now every birthday goes by and I feel the same. I am no older nor younger but time stalls. I am left in a crossroad where the past is present and the present goes by without me and I am lost. I can not move forward and can't retreat but I am just stuck with nowhere to go.

    Sorry I didn't mean to write that but it is helping though. It has been a tough weekend. But about your poem. It was great. I felt it had that feeling that I yearn for. Although your childhood is gone some of it still remains. Whatever remains you cherish and whatever is gone you remember. Happy Birthday. It was a great poem.
    | Posted on 2006-03-12 00:00:00 | by Katrinagolden | [ Reply to This ]
      Nicely done. I do have one suggestion, I think the line ""What I will be, who I am" should have "and" before the "who" for a smotther, more consistent rhythm. These forms - quaternes, villanelles, and such, are very difficult to execute. I don't even attempt them. Hat's off to you!
    fred
    | Posted on 2006-03-12 00:00:00 | by fredmelden | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi! Happy belated birthday! This beautiful poem brought back memories of my sweet sixteen birthday. I was going through a period of rebellion- and thought I was "all that" my friends were there- my parents played home movies and projected them on the wall of the house for all to see. At the time- I was mortified- but looking back- I see how much they loved me. I hope you are enjoying these years - these are the ones that for me, will be forever burned in my memory. Treasure every moment. Great poem- God bless- Heather
    | Posted on 2006-03-10 00:00:00 | by delusional | [ Reply to This ]
      Happy Birthday DD. And I think you handled the form really well. Your meter and rhythm work really well and don't feel forced or unnatural. The only line that feels a bit short is
    "What I will to be, who Iíve been"
    Maybe if you make 'I've' 'I have"?
    or
    "... and who I've been"
    Something to ad the missing syllable to that line.
    | Posted on 2006-03-08 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]
      hey
    belated happy birthday again ... i'm guessing since ur seeing this u've read my msg ... u'll understand why this is short ...
    congrats, happy brithday, 16 is a fun year i hear ... i wouldn't know though heheh
    i really liked ur poem, i like how u say something about the past and future.. i would go up and get the quote but i'm too tired hehe
    anyways just wanted to wish u happy bday and read ur poem which i find awesome!
    all the best,
    Deeps
    | Posted on 2006-03-10 00:00:00 | by DeepsLighter | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey there, itís been a while,

    This was a nice little poem Ö. quite straightforward. I think itís stern and to the point. After I read the piece I felt if I had just eaten a cake... lol... I certainly loved the last stanza I happen to believe that out the 4 this one is the one that's is more effective and meaningful... it kind of brought to mind a poem I read last year called "NO", which was embedded - so to speak , in Sloan Wilsonís "Summer Place". As to the format... it wasn't the best you could've chosen but anyhow it worked well. That's just my opinion.

    Kind regards,

    Ethan.
    | Posted on 2006-03-08 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]
      HAPPY BIRTHDAY! lol. My 16th was actually a week ago(don't tell anyone ) Anyways,this is really cute. It has a strong sense of your childhood fading. I think it is a different prospective then most, which is good. It's a very original way of thinking. Instead of seeing 16 as one step closer to being and adult, it's one step away from your childhood and the feel-good ways of thinking. Theres nothing specific that I can point out error wise. But overall it was ok. So, until next time, PEACE!

    Forever,
    Lilithe
    | Posted on 2006-03-08 00:00:00 | by Lilithe_Aislin | [ Reply to This ]
      Where I live, you can get a driver's license at 16 and an employer doesn't have to get a special permit to hire you anymore (which is necessary if you are younger than 16). That generally signals a small and subtle shift toward more adult thinking - and it sounds as if you've taken that shift. You're looking more toward being an adult and less toward childhood things.

    I like the form you've chosen and the tone of the first three stanzas. I especially like the first stanza - the number of days in your life and that you remember both the good and bad that's happened so far.

    While your first three stanzas were upright and looking forward, I felt that your last stanza slipped into sentimentalism when you started looking back - wiping away tears for the past. Well, unless you're actually moving away, why would you be crying? Perhaps you're different in this regard, but I've never known a 16 year old who was tearful at the idea of getting older. This stanza just didn't seem to carry the same tone as the rest of the poem for me.

    With that said, I did enjoy this poem - and I really enjoyed the form. Nicely done. mae
    | Posted on 2006-03-08 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]
      HAPPY BIRTHDAY

    I am going to create a short something for you as I type this

    As you move forward in this your 16th year
    Please realize
    You have a gift
    the people will see
    Please continue
    To reach out to others
    For your birthday gift
    Will be the smiling faces
    Of those whose life you changed

    I hope you like it
    Happy Birthday
    And dont ever forget
    You helped save the life of one person already
    Me
    God Bless
    Your Friend
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-03-08 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      Breautifully done,
    I really really enjoyed this. For some reason the sixteenth birthday is more important, now you are no longer a child, through your heart & head have already known that. Now the world knows.
    THough you are far beyond even this age, this is milestone that stands out more then the rest.
    You have captured this wonderfully here,
    I also wrote something for mine, it just seems that now you can look back & see it differently.
    Great job,
    thanks for the great read & thank you so much for letting us see the wonderful person that these 16 years have made you.
    take care
    ~jennifer
    | Posted on 2006-03-08 00:00:00 | by joy7542 | [ Reply to This ]
      The poem is funny in a self-depreciating way, and very straight-forward. However, you might like to work on the flow of the poem, and maybe add in a few fresh elements. The "Today, they say, Iím sweet sixteen" gets really irritating after a while... maybe you should have varients of it instead? haha, just a thought.
    Yours Truly,
    Bann
    | Posted on 2006-03-21 00:00:00 | by unREMb | [ Reply to This ]


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