the tension of opposites pushing us apart
and tearing me so far away from you
the pain of this knowledge on you i do impart
sparing these beautifull traits i do
shoving me down this reluctant hole
to the bottom of this torture ive felt for too long
stiff lifeless and black as coal
empty and alone, as i play this song
this harp screams for the purity it has felt before
longing to never let go of something so pure
my own lament is all it brings sorrow i feel
pain this doth bring, and within i do conceal
Add to the comment below - I forgot to talk about the particular verse-form. You made it a sonnet "with missing lines"! I like that! Sonneteers have always fooled with the rules of the Italian, French and English sonnet traditions from the early Renaissance. In English, this evolving sonnet form is SO IMPORTANT, because in England they started doing it exactly at the time when our Modern English had come together and its poetry was just getting started. That's why I love to work in sonnets and read other peoples' sonnets! Or maybe it's just fancy-dress for an historical sort of feeling???
But I was talking about varying the rules. To vary or modulate a rule is about the only good reason for having a rule, in literary poetry! Sonnets were supposed to have a tune for the lute or clavichord, etc; but we literary writers make our music with the ideas, and with any tricks we can get the form to do without losing it completely!
I think you have handled your beautiful, pathetic and thoughtful sonnet here in just that spirit, so I'm going: "Way to go!"
I could have made this poem myself - many times! It is what you called good expression, when you dug my "ten haiku", which thanks very much for!
What I think I ought to criticize is some inconsistency in the type of speech which you use. This choice of voice is important, because it is part of the character who is saying the poem (which doesn't have to be exactly the real you).
You began with a modern, colloquial and educated sort of speaking; but in two of these lines, you say something in a manner so old-fashioned that it is not consistent with the rest.
More accurately, it's the third and the last line which I noticed. Their phrasing belongs to a way of speech which is wonderful for writing in, but which is different from the updated diction of the other lines, so that the reader gets a difficult feeling, as if the poem comes from two characters (which would be a good trick if it were deliberate!), or as if you weren't planning and controlling your language-style (which I think is the case just here).
To follow what you say in your journal - such quibbles are maybe not important, compared with that passion and sincerity which makes this poem so appealing to me ... and compared with the way you have made it a poem for everybody, not just yourself. Therefore the poem is successful with me (who am damn fussy) despite having one glitch that a fellow-poet can't help noticing.
I could have made this poem myself - many times! It is what you called good expression, when you dug my "ten haiku", which thanks very much for!
What I think I ought to criticize is some inconsistency in the type of speech which you use. This choice of voice is important, because it is part of the character who is saying the poem (which doesn't have to be exactly the real you).
You began with a modern, colloquial and educated sort of speaking; but in two of these lines, you say something in a manner so old-fashioned that it is not consistent with the rest.
More accurately, it's the third and the last line which I noticed. Their phrasing belongs to a way of speech which is wonderful for writing in, but which is different from the updated diction of the other lines, so that the reader gets a difficult feeling, as if the poem comes from two characters (which would be a good trick if it were deliberate!), or as if you weren't planning and controlling your language-style (which I think is the case just here).
To follow what you say in your journal - such quibbles are maybe not important, compared with that passion and sincerity which makes this poem so appealing to me ... and compared with the way you have made it a poem for everybody, not just yourself. Therefore the poem is successful with me (who am damn fussy) despite having one glitch that a fellow-poet can't help noticing.
This gave me visions of the old show called "Airwolf" when the dude would sit in the river playing his...oh, I cant think of the name of the instrument...but its that thing that looks like a stand on end bass guitar. Anyway, he would play it somewhat sad and haunting tunes and would cry over his woman that got killed. This just had that feel to it. Personally, I like seeing people hit the 'shift' key and capitalizing the letter 'I' in writings. Thats the only thing I could see wrong here. Thanks for sharing.
That would be called a Cello or a 'doghouse' bass....and to your piece, me gusta, its rare to see a modern poet use 'Doth', very retro feeling, old english-ish, please finish it!
Submission Name: (unfinished - "missing lines")
