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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: (unfinished - "missing lines")dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: siroez
    ASL Info:    27/Male/WV
    Elite Ratio:    5.23 - 101/87/44
    Words: 103
    Class/Type: Poetry/Romance
    Total Views: 1291
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 607



    Description:
       


    thnx for everyone who helped write this one, even though its still unfished sadly. o well, tell me what you all think.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots(unfinished - "missing lines")dots
    -------------------------------------------


    the tension of opposites pushing us apart
    and tearing me so far away from you
    the pain of this knowledge on you i do impart
    sparing these beautifull traits i do

    shoving me down this reluctant hole
    to the bottom of this torture ive felt for too long
    stiff lifeless and black as coal
    empty and alone, as i play this song

    this harp screams for the purity it has felt before
    longing to never let go of something so pure

    my own lament is all it brings sorrow i feel
    pain this doth bring, and within i do conceal




    Submitted on 2006-03-08 07:44:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      Add to the comment below - I forgot to talk about the particular verse-form. You made it a sonnet "with missing lines"! I like that! Sonneteers have always fooled with the rules of the Italian, French and English sonnet traditions from the early Renaissance. In English, this evolving sonnet form is SO IMPORTANT, because in England they started doing it exactly at the time when our Modern English had come together and its poetry was just getting started. That's why I love to work in sonnets and read other peoples' sonnets! Or maybe it's just fancy-dress for an historical sort of feeling???

    But I was talking about varying the rules. To vary or modulate a rule is about the only good reason for having a rule, in literary poetry! Sonnets were supposed to have a tune for the lute or clavichord, etc; but we literary writers make our music with the ideas, and with any tricks we can get the form to do without losing it completely!

    I think you have handled your beautiful, pathetic and thoughtful sonnet here in just that spirit, so I'm going: "Way to go!"
    | Posted on 2008-10-09 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      I could have made this poem myself - many times! It is what you called good expression, when you dug my "ten haiku", which thanks very much for!

    What I think I ought to criticize is some inconsistency in the type of speech which you use. This choice of voice is important, because it is part of the character who is saying the poem (which doesn't have to be exactly the real you).

    You began with a modern, colloquial and educated sort of speaking; but in two of these lines, you say something in a manner so old-fashioned that it is not consistent with the rest.

    More accurately, it's the third and the last line which I noticed. Their phrasing belongs to a way of speech which is wonderful for writing in, but which is different from the updated diction of the other lines, so that the reader gets a difficult feeling, as if the poem comes from two characters (which would be a good trick if it were deliberate!), or as if you weren't planning and controlling your language-style (which I think is the case just here).

    To follow what you say in your journal - such quibbles are maybe not important, compared with that passion and sincerity which makes this poem so appealing to me ... and compared with the way you have made it a poem for everybody, not just yourself. Therefore the poem is successful with me (who am damn fussy) despite having one glitch that a fellow-poet can't help noticing.
    | Posted on 2008-10-09 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      I could have made this poem myself - many times! It is what you called good expression, when you dug my "ten haiku", which thanks very much for!

    What I think I ought to criticize is some inconsistency in the type of speech which you use. This choice of voice is important, because it is part of the character who is saying the poem (which doesn't have to be exactly the real you).

    You began with a modern, colloquial and educated sort of speaking; but in two of these lines, you say something in a manner so old-fashioned that it is not consistent with the rest.

    More accurately, it's the third and the last line which I noticed. Their phrasing belongs to a way of speech which is wonderful for writing in, but which is different from the updated diction of the other lines, so that the reader gets a difficult feeling, as if the poem comes from two characters (which would be a good trick if it were deliberate!), or as if you weren't planning and controlling your language-style (which I think is the case just here).

    To follow what you say in your journal - such quibbles are maybe not important, compared with that passion and sincerity which makes this poem so appealing to me ... and compared with the way you have made it a poem for everybody, not just yourself. Therefore the poem is successful with me (who am damn fussy) despite having one glitch that a fellow-poet can't help noticing.
    | Posted on 2008-10-09 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      This gave me visions of the old show called "Airwolf" when the dude would sit in the river playing his...oh, I cant think of the name of the instrument...but its that thing that looks like a stand on end bass guitar. Anyway, he would play it somewhat sad and haunting tunes and would cry over his woman that got killed. This just had that feel to it. Personally, I like seeing people hit the 'shift' key and capitalizing the letter 'I' in writings. Thats the only thing I could see wrong here.
    Thanks for sharing.
    | Posted on 2006-03-17 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
      That would be called a Cello or a 'doghouse' bass....and to your piece, me gusta, its rare to see a modern poet use 'Doth', very retro feeling, old english-ish, please finish it!
    | Posted on 2006-03-31 00:00:00 | by SlanderousLust | [ Reply to This ]


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