[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: The woman I sawdots

    Author: keestu
    ASL Info:    32/male/Sydney
    Elite Ratio:    5.61 - 153/95/116
    Words: 85
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 1403
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 449

       Not a piece of art. my oldies collections poem.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe woman I sawdots

    There did I see in the art represented to me,
    Words to describe do not come from me,
    Perfect so perfect was the woman she was,
    The art of magic in the woman that I saw,
    Her name meant everything to be happy in life,
    So was she the dream of my life,
    But it seems life is cruel and so it is,
    The woman was elder to me,
    But yet the beauty apart from all,
    The woman is saw the woman I saw.

    Submitted on 2006-03-08 08:14:20     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      The ideas in this poem are very good, and I also enjoyed some of the phrasing, but overall the rhythm of this piece was a little off, and the sentences aren't put together as coherently as in some of your other poems. I think this could be great if you made a few more drafts of it. However, you need to go that extra mile in order to attain the best results!

    (I also agree about the way you use the plural word "women", even though you used "she" instead of "they" when talking about her/them. Wow. That was confusing.)
    | Posted on 2008-12-30 00:00:00 | by WhatYouWill | [ Reply to This ]
      I too don't understand the last line. I think that you started this off with great emotion. ANd some where in the middle...I kind of lost that emotion.

    I feel a lot of love in this. As though you saw this woman and wanted her so bad but you knew that you couldn't have her.

    Keep writing. I think that with time all of these little writes will create a wonderful poetic mind.

    Much love,

    Li Li
    | Posted on 2006-03-08 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ]
      I think you mean 'woman' unless you're talking about more than one and yeah the last part is awkward. I think the last line should just read, 'the woman I saw' but actually you were more affected by this woman than that line indicates. the woman I met might be more fitting. otherwise this poem is very good and tells a lot in just a few lines.
    | Posted on 2006-03-08 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      I think there is a typo in the last line cuz it reads awkwardly. The sentiment was alright, but the words were lacking in bringing about a true description other than somebody saw somebody they admired.
    | Posted on 2006-03-08 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Linger written by saartha
    4th of July written by layDsayD
    Brigit written by endlessgame23
    Dashboard Light written by layDsayD
    written by Daniel Barlow
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Waiting written by Daniel Barlow
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Happy Saint Patrick's Day written by poetotoe
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    Neither Here nor There written by layDsayD
    True Death written by layDsayD
    Every..... written by jackz
    The Severed Head written by HisNameIsNoMore
    More then just goodbye written by faideddarkness
    Cosmic Dreams written by Chelebel
    Your Lover written by Cordell
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    Bond written by saartha
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    written by Daniel Barlow
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades
    the living moment written by ShyOne
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Primitive Lapse written by Crestfallenman




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]