Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The woman I sawdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: keestu
    ASL Info:    32/male/Sydney
    Elite Ratio:    5.61 - 153/95/116
    Words: 85
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 1467
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 449



    Description:
       Not a piece of art. my oldies collections poem.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe woman I sawdots
    -------------------------------------------


    There did I see in the art represented to me,
    Words to describe do not come from me,
    Perfect so perfect was the woman she was,
    The art of magic in the woman that I saw,
    Her name meant everything to be happy in life,
    So was she the dream of my life,
    But it seems life is cruel and so it is,
    The woman was elder to me,
    But yet the beauty apart from all,
    The woman is saw the woman I saw.




    Submitted on 2006-03-08 08:14:20     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      The ideas in this poem are very good, and I also enjoyed some of the phrasing, but overall the rhythm of this piece was a little off, and the sentences aren't put together as coherently as in some of your other poems. I think this could be great if you made a few more drafts of it. However, you need to go that extra mile in order to attain the best results!

    (I also agree about the way you use the plural word "women", even though you used "she" instead of "they" when talking about her/them. Wow. That was confusing.)
    | Posted on 2008-12-30 00:00:00 | by WhatYouWill | [ Reply to This ]
      I too don't understand the last line. I think that you started this off with great emotion. ANd some where in the middle...I kind of lost that emotion.

    I feel a lot of love in this. As though you saw this woman and wanted her so bad but you knew that you couldn't have her.

    Keep writing. I think that with time all of these little writes will create a wonderful poetic mind.

    Much love,

    Li Li
    | Posted on 2006-03-08 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ]
      I think you mean 'woman' unless you're talking about more than one and yeah the last part is awkward. I think the last line should just read, 'the woman I saw' but actually you were more affected by this woman than that line indicates. the woman I met might be more fitting. otherwise this poem is very good and tells a lot in just a few lines.
    | Posted on 2006-03-08 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      I think there is a typo in the last line cuz it reads awkwardly. The sentiment was alright, but the words were lacking in bringing about a true description other than somebody saw somebody they admired.
    | Posted on 2006-03-08 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    94193

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    One Thing written by Wolfwatching
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Munyonyo written by expiring_touch
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    To written by SavedDragon
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    Bond written by saartha
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    untitled written by Chelebel
    Incubus written by monad
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    You Make Me speechless written by elephantasia
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry