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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The woman I sawdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: keestu
    ASL Info:    32/male/Sydney
    Elite Ratio:    5.61 - 153/95/116
    Words: 85
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 1344
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 449



    Description:
       Not a piece of art. my oldies collections poem.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe woman I sawdots
    -------------------------------------------


    There did I see in the art represented to me,
    Words to describe do not come from me,
    Perfect so perfect was the woman she was,
    The art of magic in the woman that I saw,
    Her name meant everything to be happy in life,
    So was she the dream of my life,
    But it seems life is cruel and so it is,
    The woman was elder to me,
    But yet the beauty apart from all,
    The woman is saw the woman I saw.




    Submitted on 2006-03-08 08:14:20     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      The ideas in this poem are very good, and I also enjoyed some of the phrasing, but overall the rhythm of this piece was a little off, and the sentences aren't put together as coherently as in some of your other poems. I think this could be great if you made a few more drafts of it. However, you need to go that extra mile in order to attain the best results!

    (I also agree about the way you use the plural word "women", even though you used "she" instead of "they" when talking about her/them. Wow. That was confusing.)
    | Posted on 2008-12-30 00:00:00 | by WhatYouWill | [ Reply to This ]
      I too don't understand the last line. I think that you started this off with great emotion. ANd some where in the middle...I kind of lost that emotion.

    I feel a lot of love in this. As though you saw this woman and wanted her so bad but you knew that you couldn't have her.

    Keep writing. I think that with time all of these little writes will create a wonderful poetic mind.

    Much love,

    Li Li
    | Posted on 2006-03-08 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ]
      I think you mean 'woman' unless you're talking about more than one and yeah the last part is awkward. I think the last line should just read, 'the woman I saw' but actually you were more affected by this woman than that line indicates. the woman I met might be more fitting. otherwise this poem is very good and tells a lot in just a few lines.
    | Posted on 2006-03-08 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      I think there is a typo in the last line cuz it reads awkwardly. The sentiment was alright, but the words were lacking in bringing about a true description other than somebody saw somebody they admired.
    | Posted on 2006-03-08 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]


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