Good Morning... by faln

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Submission Name: Good Morning... dots

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Author:	faln_angl
ASL Info:	25/f/MN
Elite Ratio:	4.66 - 99/96/17
Words:	66

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	155
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	408

Description:
It's sooooo foggy here lol. Visibility is like zero. I was watching the news and I couldn't help but laugh at myself, because I hadn't even noticed...

It's funny how different the world looks in the eyes of someone falling in love.

Good Morning... dots

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A mockingbird laugh
flies off my tongue
as the sun peeps at me through a gap
between the shades and the window frame.
It's barely daybreak, but as always,
you are the first thing on my mind.
Smiles will ignite
upon my lips all day
Fueled by memories
and forever burning dreams
of my moonlit trip
to kiss your sleepy mind.

Submitted on 2006-03-08 08:49:39 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  This is quite a lovely poem...i always enjoy hearing about love when it is ignited by nature. Although poem isnt very thought-provoking, it is wonderfuly simple with great imagery. i like your style and poetic images, i realy love to read some a poem of more complexity... i think it would be pretty good
| Posted on 2006-03-09 00:00:00 | by Lyricist | [ Reply to This ]
  I like this little bit very much. And I LOVE your first two lines - a mockingbird laugh flies off my tongue. What a lovely sound that must be!

Your next two lines however, are a problem. There is way more information in them than we need or want in a poem. We get lost in trying to figure out where the sun is actually shining through rather than getting on with your love poem. My suggestion would be to simply say
'the sun peeps at me/through a gap in the shades. You'll note that I changed your line break. That was merely to even out the line lengths - just something our eyes and brains look for when reading poetry.

I would also suggest finding a way to shorten the next two lines so that they are more in keeping with the rest of the poem in form. As you have them now, they are more conversational in tone than the rest of the poem.

And the last criticism I have is on "Smiles will ignite/upon my lips all day". Ignite is not a reflexive type word - you don't do it to yourself. You ignite something else. So you wouldn't say that smiles will ignite because it sounds as though smiles are igniting themselves, which is not correct usage of 'ignite'. I like the picture you're trying to paint for us, but if you want to use the word ignite, you need to rearrange things a bit. Maybe 'all day my lips will be /ignited by smiles' or something. You get the idea.

Put a hyphen between 'forever' and 'burning'.

And I'm done! I like your poem - especially your mockingbird laugh flying off your tongue. mae
| Posted on 2006-03-08 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]
  I abolutely cannot come up with the words to do this poem justice. I wish that I could, but no matter how much I try, all I can think of is the lingering memory of your voice and the quickening if my pulse when I think of you. I think it would do this poem more justice for me to tell you what I think of it and how it makes me feel when I talk to you later.
| Posted on 2006-03-08 00:00:00 | by Ravenwood | [ Reply to This ]

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