Short, sweet, and kind of to the point. Kind of makes sense. It kind of has a minimalist feel. Like, you could have gone on for like 50 lines explaining how different things affect you and how life is shiate, but you didn't. I guess in a way I like it cause of that, but in a way I guess I don't. It leaves me wanting to know what you lived...what you loved. I think I'm contradicting myself. In other words, it's alright the way it is right now...but I'd love to see an extended version come out. You know...like 5 or ten more lines...just to give us more of an idea of where you're comming from...or going to... Anyways, that about all I got for now...
well i may say that the use of will in the first line would be better.. but well it is ur writing and if you feel like writing that word is better and sounds good for readers and especially for you it is good then... well... and i think everybody want to do haiku these days well nice to see that keep on writing a.. and if you a chance please read my stuff...! thanks for sharing-! Victor!
Hmmmm...will would seem to be a better word than can in the first line. Almost a haiku (bless u), but the second line has three too many syllables. Kind of a sad write and it can definately be expanded upon.
wha? ok...that was like good idea but u can really add to it...like i read it thinking it was the intro/discription...so maybe write like 4 more like it and put it all on page... but it had some emotion to it i can tell...
The title fits the poem.. could have written a bit more to try to set some type of point... keep on writing though! it needs more and more than that if you can catch my drift..
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