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Twins


Author: Ruby Rivers
ASL Info:    16/f/nowhere
Elite Ratio:    4.16 - 31 /36 /10
Words: 36
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1095
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 293



Description:


There's these twins at my dance studio, and they're really amazingly good, and it's just inspiring to watch them. Sooo I wrote a poem about it.

I don't really like the word "music" in the third line...I want it to be more specific (like "waltz" or something, but I didn't like "waltz" either), but I couldn't think of anything.


Twins



They dance like wingless fairies
Perfectly synchronized
Twirling in time with the music
With catlike faces and catlike grace
Flawless beauties
Dark hair, dark eyes,
Pale skin, red lips
The audience silently stares
With adoring admiration




Submitted on 2006-03-08 15:19:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  Hmm... so I like the idea here, the length, etc., but some of the word choices kind of got me...

Why wingless fairies? I get this image of Tinkerbell falling on her ass. It's not very graceful. I mean, I understand what you're trying to say, but I'm not so sure about "wingless" fairies... perhaps some other way to describe fairies would be more apt....

As for "music", well, what kind of music was it? I can understand the reluctance to use "waltz" so how about ... tango comes to mind but that doesn't fit... what kind of dancing were they doing? ... sonata also comes to mind... just some random word associations.......

"catlike faces"? ... catlike grace makes sense though

Also, except in the first few lines, you focus more on the static looks of these two, not on how they move... if you're trying to capture their grace in motion, then you might want to talk about that more than the color of their hair/eyes/lips/skin

--Jasmine
| Posted on 2006-03-09 00:00:00 | by bitterlily | [ Reply to This ]
  A nice little poem, not little in meaning just in length. I think it says everything you intended it to say. it has a nice rhythm to it. You have created some original phrase: "wingless fairies", catlike faces". Try "tempo" for line 3. Here's a thought "awed-ience". I also think you could juice this up with other modifiers insted of "dark", "pale', and "red". Try other shades of color or make one up. Well, I liked your poem, maybe because, our twins were dancers. Just lovely.

Phil
| Posted on 2006-03-08 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
  With the short poem, I didn't expect that much; you added more elaboration in the little words you had. You said you didn't like "Music" in the third stanza, so I guess maybe: harmony, melody, tune..If you think that fits in better.
I really love how you started it off with "They dance like wingless fairies", it gives the graceful picture/image in your head...I don't quite think the catlike faces and catlike grace fit in. What did you mean by the catlike face?; the grace I can understand. I think you might be able to work on their looks (descriptions) to tie in with the whole thing itself. Like say, their dark hair flowed as they moved along; Eyes gleaming with (word here)
Something to that kinda thing. I didn't know what to say in that area, because I have never seen them dance or anything, so do as you wish. Making the poem longer (not too much) would make it a liny bit better, too
| Posted on 2006-03-08 00:00:00 | by Ebony Medvick | [ Reply to This ]
  this was cute

i liked how you described the twins and how they seemed absolutely perfect, appearance-wise and in dancing.

and i loved it when you say

"they danced like wingless fairies"

that was really good imagery...this was a short poem but it was a good one at that...good job!
| Posted on 2006-03-08 00:00:00 | by vintagepepper | [ Reply to This ]
  Very imaginative, and it's nice that you made it short and sweet and easy to read. I like the word "Music" in the third line, it's not specific and leaves more to the imagination. It fits the personality of the poem.

"With catlike faces and catlike grace"

The repetition of the word "catlike" is kind of boring. Maybe try "feline" to replace one of the "catlikes," or another similar word.

I really liked it, it was good.
| Posted on 2006-03-08 00:00:00 | by DrunkOnShadows | [ Reply to This ]


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