Description: I wrote it for my girlfriend.
Id die without her.<3
<3I love her<3 -------------------------------------------
She wakes up at night
Dripping in sweat
Shes had another nightmare
One that she'll regret.
Every thought she thinks
Or every breath she will take
Every time she moves
Its another big mistake
Shes dying o know
Whats in her own heart
But she'll never find out
If shes kept in the dark.
She hears voices telling her
You are too dramatic
You are over reacting
Your trying to force
What you are expecting.
She thinks about the words
As they circle her head
Like a halo of guilt
In a world of deep red.
And just as she thought
She would make it out alive
She started to cry
Took the blade and held it tight.
Shes tired
Shes done with
Shes through
They are right.
She hears her own thoughts
In the silent night.
I love her.
I love her.
These words are what made her fight
She let the blade fall
And laid down on her bed
Crying
Sobbing
Yet repeating the words
Now in a soft voice
She fell asleep in her bed
Tomorrow is another day.
I love her.
I love her.
And theres nothing more to say.<3
I started reading this and expected to find another poorly written teen love poem like so many on this site - but that's not at all what I found. Granted, the writing itself could use some work, but your message was definitely not the standard fare. It's quite a testimony to the power of love.
As for the poem itself, well, you need to look outside yourself a little to work on the poem objectively. Let's start with your first stanza - is there ever a nightmare that you don't regret? That's a statement that doesn't need to be made. I'm sure you can find another rhyme that will fit the stanza.
Now, in your 2nd stanza, is it that in the eyes of her family she can't do anything right? Or is she really making some bad choices (mistakes)? I would like to see that clarified.
What I think I'm hearing, as I read this again (for the 3rd time) is that she's getting a lot of criticism and is caving in under the load of it. Is that right? She's heard it so often, it's all she hears and she's beginning to believe it. Because of that, she doesn't feel like living.
That's pretty plain now, but the first time I read it, it wasn't. I think maybe the typo in the 3rd stanza threw me off - I thought she was literally dying of something and no one would tell her what.
In your third to last stanza, crying and sobbing are the same thing. Leave one out, especially since they are on separate lines.
Your next to last stanza is a throw away. It says nothing and just takes up space. I suggest tossing it. Your last line is another throw away. I would suggest leaving it off and maybe putting in another "I love her." and just ending it with that.
Submission Name: <3I love her<3
