Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • ES Magazine
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • Video Tutorials
  • RolePlay
  • 90% off Amazon
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: LeadenHands&LamentOfATigersFandots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: FrankBlissett
    Elite Ratio:    5.17 - 206/191/66
    Words: 277
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 192
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1993



    Description:
       Here are two poems - "Leaden Hands" and "Lament Of A Tiger's Fan". The primary thing I am looking for is which of the two leaves the biggest impression on you (in a good way). Any further critique on either poem is welcome and encouraged.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLeadenHands&LamentOfATigersFandots
    -------------------------------------------


    Leaden Hands

    With leaden hands I write these words,
    Too tired to stop them should I want.
    They flow in bouts from my cracked soul,
    Slipping from their rotting haunt.

    With leaden eyes I watch these words,
    Too tired from tears to see them straight.
    The tears have stopped but left a hole,
    The hole in which I threw my fate.

    With leaden lungs I breath these words,
    Too tired from sighs to stop their flow.
    My chest feels dead from inside out,
    love has dried as foul winds blow.

    With leaden heart I beat these words,
    Too tired to move and drown them out.
    They pound my chest but chill the whole,
    And fill my veins with shame and doubt.

    With leaden mind I think these words,
    Too tired from life to catch their gist.
    They fill my soul with emptiness,
    And cloud my thoughts as with a mist.

    Leaden hands, leaden eyes, leaden lungs.
    Leaden heart, leaden mind, leaden life.



    Lament Of A Tiger's Fan

    Once I saw
    A baseball
    In the fall,
    Down in the Motor City.

    Gibson flew
    The bases too,
    Stole a few
    Then went west, a damn pity.

    That was then.
    When I was ten
    Back then when
    The pitching wasn't shitty.

    Sweet Lou stopped
    Balls that hopped
    Or that popped,
    Pounced on them like a kitty.

    Lemon's hot,
    His mitt caught
    Flies a lot;
    His throws to Trammel pretty.

    That was then.
    When I was ten
    Back then when
    The pitching wasn't shitty.







    Submitted on 2006-03-08 22:58:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I like the second one because of the brevity, I can't offer any other words except that. Cool topic - I really couldn't find anything to technically critique. The first one was also good as well, but didn't speak as much and as consicely as the second one did to me. Peace.

    ~Ryan
    | Posted on 2006-03-10 00:00:00 | by 27_deadpoets | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the second one better. One, because I am a baseball fan, always have been, and second because the first one is too repetitious for my taste. I always try to write something without repeating the same words and phrases over and over again. Of course, it is just my preference but I find it to get to be too much of the same thing. Perhaps if you found different ways of saying the same thing it would be more stimulating to read. I think I have mentioned before that I think you should only submit one poem at a time. I understand you are working on a project for yourself but the comparison thing takes away from each individual poem. Each poem should be looked at as an individual. Again, that is just my opinion. You have good talent and your poems should stand on their own. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2006-03-09 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree with Jasmine - the first one was just too - leaden! Didn't like it in the first place and grew quickly tired of it in the second.

    But the second poem, which I don't think it's the best you've written, was much better than the first in this pair. I remember Bob Gibson - and Denny McLain (sp?) - my husband was Denny's next door neighbor when they were kids, they played Little League baseball together. I also remember the 1968 World Series when the Tigers won.

    Thanks for the trip down memory lane. Now I'm a Mariners fan - have pity on me. mae
    | Posted on 2006-03-09 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]
      Hiya...

    So, the first one just doesn't do it for me. I'm not sure why... normally I would like the structure, and I do like the first line of the poem very much, but somehow the whole thing is just a little too much. ... I think I like all of the individual lines (mostly; e.g., the last two lines of the second stanza feel empty, but not in the way you mean for them to) ... but, again, by the time I was done reading all of it, it was like, OK, now what. I guess it's that after the first stanza, you don't really have anything even subtly new to say. It doesn't go anywhere. I guess if it changed even subtley from stanza to stanza...

    And the second... a revision? I like it! My only suggestion is to in the fourth stanza, make it, "Pounced on them like a big kitty" ... "kitty" first seemed like the most strained/forced rhyme in the whole thing, but hey, a big kitty! that's like a tiger!!

    --Jasmine
    | Posted on 2006-03-08 00:00:00 | by bitterlily | [ Reply to This ]
      Yea, I like the first one a little better. It seemed like it had a stronger meaning. That and I don't really like baseball... even though I also played baseball when I was ten. What a coinsidence! And, I try not to curse in my poetry, although sometimes it just fits. Also the first one had a very good set up, leaden everything = leaden life. It's really a good idea. And I also think it was interesting how you have two poems on one page, well more like why it is that way. The only suggestion I have really is that you shouldn't force in rhymes. Rhyming is harder then it looks. Really, trying too hard to rhyme your words together takes away from the bigger picture. Not saying that rhyming is bad, I just don't do it, because I notice thet forcefulness of it and usually hate it afterwords. Well, good luck!

    Forever,
    Lilithe
    | Posted on 2006-03-09 00:00:00 | by Lilithe_Aislin | [ Reply to This ]



    Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
    5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

    [ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

    Google
     

    [ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
    [ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .
    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry
    This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.