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    dots Submission Name: Eyes Closedots

    Author: Raivn
    ASL Info:    33/f/al
    Elite Ratio:    4.28 - 1222/916/231
    Words: 129
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 787
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 749

       A little twisted in my moods today. Something that started out beautiful turned ugly.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsEyes Closedots

    I watched your eyes close
    And it was the very first time
    I held you in my arms
    And I knew that you were mine
    I watched your eyes close
    Heavy lidded with a pleasure only I could give
    I licked the salt from your skin
    I gave you a reason to live
    I watched your eyes close
    I silently watched you fall asleep
    You were always so beautiful
    Your eyes always made me weep
    I watched your eyes close
    As you turned to walk away from me
    I was left with only the thought
    That the blind truly cannot see
    I sat beside you in this place
    That no one else will ever know
    I gave a final twist of the knife
    And I watched your eyes close.

    Submitted on 2006-03-09 08:45:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Well written and frightening in the end! It seems we had an incident around here just last week where a guy with the "if I can't have you, no one will" attitude tried something very similar. Great job with the selection of rhymes and the repeated line seemed to build up the suspense. Sharon
    | Posted on 2007-09-10 00:00:00 | by Peggy Paris | [ Reply to This ]
      This was beautiful (well not the him leaving you and you killing him part that threw me for a loop). I really like how you developed this piece, making everything seem so peachy at the beginning showing how in love you were and then showing how tortured your soul was when he left you. A damn good write.

    Well Done,
    | Posted on 2006-03-27 00:00:00 | by Flowerinbloom | [ Reply to This ]
      DOAH! I hate when that happens, HA!

    This was like you said, beautiful and had that ugly twist at the end. I enjoyed it.

    Very tasteful and dastardly...hee-hee! Splendid in your descriptions too.
    | Posted on 2006-03-09 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey this was cool! Completely unexpected and brilliant. The whole time I was reading it I was picturing every scenario and then bam...you killed TOny, and I was like. Go Raivn.
    | Posted on 2006-03-09 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh, that was so unexpected! I probably like this poem more than any other (on Elite Skills) that I've read so far! I felt the passion you were trying to convey as if I was there and I know the thing says not to give all compliments, but I can't help it! This will DEFINATELY be added to my favorites! If I MUST critique...well...try and use better punctuation?
    | Posted on 2006-03-09 00:00:00 | by RockerRomeo | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow the ending shocked me lol but... IT's FANTASTIC! lol really great write and now that i think about it it probably wouldn't have been right without the twisted ending it really puts images into your mind which is a very hard thing to do for some writers especially me lol this is definitly a faves addition and i'm gonna check out some of your other work if you dont mind of course lol...
    anyways please please keep writing your very talented

    take care
    love IzzI :) XxX
    | Posted on 2006-03-09 00:00:00 | by fallen_angel384 | [ Reply to This ]
      OMG...you killed the boy in the end! I did not see that coming at all. I guess you are not one to be played with. lol. This was very good. I liked the way you indicated the different things that imply his eyes were closing and why for the readers. The sixth line kind of throws off your perfect flow to me. Nice lenght and great imagery. Overall, job well done.

    | Posted on 2006-03-09 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]

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