Description: A little twisted in my moods today. Something that started out beautiful turned ugly.
Eyes Close -------------------------------------------
I watched your eyes close
And it was the very first time
I held you in my arms
And I knew that you were mine
I watched your eyes close
Heavy lidded with a pleasure only I could give
I licked the salt from your skin
I gave you a reason to live
I watched your eyes close
I silently watched you fall asleep
You were always so beautiful
Your eyes always made me weep
I watched your eyes close
As you turned to walk away from me
I was left with only the thought
That the blind truly cannot see
I sat beside you in this place
That no one else will ever know
I gave a final twist of the knife
And I watched your eyes close.
Well written and frightening in the end! It seems we had an incident around here just last week where a guy with the "if I can't have you, no one will" attitude tried something very similar. Great job with the selection of rhymes and the repeated line seemed to build up the suspense. Sharon
This was beautiful (well not the him leaving you and you killing him part that threw me for a loop). I really like how you developed this piece, making everything seem so peachy at the beginning showing how in love you were and then showing how tortured your soul was when he left you. A damn good write.
Hey this was cool! Completely unexpected and brilliant. The whole time I was reading it I was picturing every scenario and then bam...you killed TOny, and I was like. Go Raivn.
Oh, that was so unexpected! I probably like this poem more than any other (on Elite Skills) that I've read so far! I felt the passion you were trying to convey as if I was there and I know the thing says not to give all compliments, but I can't help it! This will DEFINATELY be added to my favorites! If I MUST critique...well...try and use better punctuation?
Wow the ending shocked me lol but... IT's FANTASTIC! lol really great write and now that i think about it it probably wouldn't have been right without the twisted ending it really puts images into your mind which is a very hard thing to do for some writers especially me lol this is definitly a faves addition and i'm gonna check out some of your other work if you dont mind of course lol... anyways please please keep writing your very talented
OMG...you killed the boy in the end! I did not see that coming at all. I guess you are not one to be played with. lol. This was very good. I liked the way you indicated the different things that imply his eyes were closing and why for the readers. The sixth line kind of throws off your perfect flow to me. Nice lenght and great imagery. Overall, job well done.
Submission Name: Eyes Close
