Part IV. Past Regrets
”Everyone has backstabbing friends
Some who will never be with you in the end
Here’s a poem for them
This time we, the tortured, win”
You were never the way
You had me fooled all the way
You had me suffer all this time
You stabbed, pierced me will all your lie
You must stay away
You cannot make all the pain go away
You know you never had a chance to hang out with me
You must let all those victims be free
You were never worthy in my mind of mine
You just listen and keep your selfish thoughts in mind
Its time to say bye-bye
Hopefully tonight you heard a lullaby
I know you wont get any beauty sleep tonight
Because I’m watching you for the rest of the night
I will start chanting a spell
And its not going to be pleasing for you, but oh well
It releases your fears to come alive
Your unlucky your terror didn’t lead me to another life
Now its your turn
To feel all your demonic suffering and burn
I hope your ready to play
Because you’re going to play anyway
I’m not gonna to kill you
I’m just going to pretend you’re a Jew
Lets travel back to the holocaust
This is one of the times where you lost
Maybe a couple of pokes and stabs
Now we’re the ones with the last laugh
I’m not finished with you
You must know I wasn’t through
Now I have to leave
This wasn’t really hard to believe
I hope you had enough
Because you weren’t very tough
Ooh, one more game
Do you know the name of this game?
Lets play charades, right, its a Cougar
Oh that reminds me, Freddie Krueger
Maybe you will get some sleep tonight
Just make sure you know how to fight…
| Hey great poem. Just two things that caught my eye, and I usually don't correct peoples writings cause mine are usually worded weird themself but the one was already stated with |
"you were never worthy in my mind of mine"
the othere I would have changed was
"You stabbed, peirced me with all your lie"
I would just change that to lies because it is implying plural and it doesn't change the ryming that much.
Other than that though, good job.
|| Posted on 2006-03-30 00:00:00 | by Euphoria | [ Reply to This ] || hey u! im bak again!! this is good! its a fav! theres no particular rhythm to this but i think thats wat makes it more creative in a way! good joB!|
|| Posted on 2006-03-26 00:00:00 | by iluvpoetry_1 | [ Reply to This ] || kick some ass man.. this was good. i know exactly what youre saying. i liked the freddy part at the end.. creative.|
|| Posted on 2006-03-14 00:00:00 | by EEKS | [ Reply to This ] || i liked this piece...it had a pretty good flow..the rhythym seeped in and out..but it was great..theres only one part i didn't get : |
"You were never worthy in my mind of mine"
I just thought it broke the flow atleast for me..suggestion might be to put :
"you were never worthy of this mind of mine"
That will still rhyme with the line after and it has a bit more flow to me..
But anyhows i loved this piece the ending was great..the last line caught me..i wanted to read more..i'm not so sure this really qualifies as a "HAPPY" poem but maybe to you it might..it did a have a unrealistic humorous under theme i guess..anywho i loved it..it was interesting..keep up the great work!
|| Posted on 2006-03-11 00:00:00 | by rainbowXrazors | [ Reply to This ] || Wow that whole thing about charades was kinda perplexing but poignant. I liked the flow even if it breaks, i cant hear your rhythym in this which doesnt mean it doesnt flow it just means this particular entry might have its own song style of writting,...i like it||| Posted on 2006-03-09 00:00:00 | by goveiac | [ Reply to This ] |