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    dots Submission Name: Teddydots

    Author: Mepo
    ASL Info:    22/M/VA
    Elite Ratio:    2.87 - 20/35/15
    Words: 171
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1585
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1136

       This was posted at least one year after i wrote it. I wrote this to get attention from my peers. Conveying emotion is difficult, I tried to touch hearts. Please comment if i touched yours. Thank you.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    Down comes the rain,
    falling slow and sure,
    rising is the pain,
    fighting for its cure,

    a pain burns in her chest,
    and her breathing is nolonger steady,
    she cant get any rest,
    so she hugs her teddy.

    she pushed the call buttion,
    but no nurse ever came,
    she tries to wake her mommy
    but cant move because the pain.

    Sitting up shes gasping..
    there is no air in her lung,
    she tries to scream her loudest
    but no noise ever comes.

    She falls back to her pillow,
    and again hugs her teddy,
    the room starts going black..
    while machines read unsteady.

    not a peep from her..
    as she starts to cry,
    she tries hard not to think
    about the angels in the sky.

    softly eyelids closeing...
    but she sees the fabled light,
    she takes her first step,
    trying not to fight.

    the machine sounds alarm,
    but someone has pulled the chord,
    she smiles her last smile...
    as her teddy hits the floor.

    Submitted on 2006-03-09 17:14:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Annnnd to prove that I'm too tired for my own good, and that I edit my own work obsessively:

    When I said 'potention' I meant 'potential.'... Just thought I'd clear that up. o_O
    | Posted on 2007-12-27 00:00:00 | by stefhy | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh hey look, they censor my words. Probably a good thing... I just Batch with an i. :)
    | Posted on 2007-12-27 00:00:00 | by stefhy | [ Reply to This ]
      Well... I don't mean to be a super [censored], but I swear you'll get over it. Haha. Only because everything I'm about to say, is my opinion only. Not necissarily right or wrong, and you Do not have to take any of it too close to heart. Infact, feel free to ignore it all if you want; but if you're anything like me, the harsh comments are your favourite. (So maybe not. lol ;))...
    Anyway, your first stanza starts out wonderfully. Holds a strong rhythm and constant rhyme. Well done. However, when it comes to the first line of your second stanza, you have already re-used to the word 'pain'. I've been reading alot of poetry, and I guess after a while you pick up on the little things that just don't seem to sound quite right. I really really want to see a different word in there, instead of pain. To show off your vocabulary skills. (A thesaurus could do you wonders.) Or even just a change of words. Make it metaphorical instead of so literal:

    A fire burns through her chest,
    Her breathing, no longer steady,
    She can't get any rest,
    So tonight, she'll hug her teddy

    Okay, so if you haven't noticed yet, you'll notice now. I changed alot about that second stanza. You don't have to like it, never mind have to change yours. It's just how I would have done it myself. I fixed the grammar, to help the reader understand where and how to hold the rhythm. I also ditched out some unnecissary words. (You'll find after a long time spent in writing, there are so many words that are only there to waste time, or force a rhyme. - And you didn't need any of that in this stanza.)
    Yet again in the third stanza, you've got some grammatical errors (I'm sure you know where they are, and if you are worried enough you'll fix them *Because believe me, grammar can mean the difference between a 5star write and a crumpled piece of paper)... Moving on though, you also use the word 'pain' yet again. LIke I said last time, a thesaurus would do wonders. However, I don't have one on hand, so instead I'm going to try my own hand at it. (Hope you don't mind)

    She pushed the call button,
    But there's no footsteps from the nurse.
    She tries to wake her mommy,
    Her suffering was getting worse.

    Well, it doesn't sound as good as I would have hoped; but it's the best I can do for now.
    The rest of the stanzas aren't too bad... I do wish you would put some more effort into your grammar though. (I used to hate it when people told me this, but I promise you it would make such a big difference.)
    I like your ending alot. It worked out alright, because for me your strongest points were the first and last stanza. Which only means you have enough power to make someone want to start reading; then you leave them with their own power, from absorbing this story, that they might just come back to you and read more of your stuff. The story was really good, kudos to you for the imagination.
    Sorry if I seemed harsh, I promise I only have the best intentions... I know you've got potention to get better, and I bet some day soon you'll come to my page and give me a book of your own critique. :P.
    Anyways, I'm soooooper tired (and yes I meant to spell it that way:P) so I'm going to sleep now. I hope you have had a good Christmas and may you have a better new year. Keep writing. G'night.

    | Posted on 2007-12-27 00:00:00 | by stefhy | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh my goodness...I am bawling. This is one of the saddest pieces I have read in a long time. You captured the innocence of a little girl perfectly. You could see her scared eyes as she began to fade, then the warmth as she was enfolded into the heavens...Nicely done.
    | Posted on 2006-03-09 00:00:00 | by beldolore | [ Reply to This ]

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