Description: We're reading Oscar Wilde's 'The Picture of Dorian Gray' in class and I thought that the idea of a portrait showing someone's soul was a cool idea. So that's where I started. But, as I'm sure you all know, poetry takes on a mind of it's own sometimes.
This is what I ended up with.
Let me know what you think.
A Work of Heart -------------------------------------------
Let me paint you a portrait
of my broken soul
so you can see the empty place
that was left by what you stole
Let me draw you a picture
of my shattered heart
to show you every sharp edged piece
in a poor done work of art
Let me carve you a statue
of my shredded life
so you can see how you inspired me
to chisel with a fancy knife
Let me write you a poem
of how my pain will end
so this weight is lifted from my shoulders
and given to your heart to tend
Let me draw you a picture of my shattered heart to show you every sharp edged piece in a poor done work of art
Let me paint you a picture with this velvet smeared brush -- eloquently accenting the sharp edges of my broken heart and all the pain behind my blush
I think that the first 3 stanzas need to be reworded, they lack depth and description. This piece to me speaks volumes of opportunity. This could be an amazing write with the ideas you are trying to convey to the reader, but your rhyme scheme is weak adn forced, and there is just no passion behind the words. I think you can do much better with this. Good luck, and please please please, let me know if/when you do.
So they make you guys read Dorian Gray these days...well you certainly used your reading to your advantage and created your own masterpiece here. You move through each stanza with seeming ease - your last stanza really pulls this all together and sort of brings it full circle. Nicely done,
Wow Kate, Thats really good. It really paints a picture. I like the first lines and how you want to show him what he did to you and how it makes you feel. That you want to move on but if pieces are missing you can't.
Let me paint you a portrait of my broken soul so you can see the empty place that was left by what you stole
Is my favourite stanza. I don't really know why. It just speaks to me more then the others. Awesome write, I'd change nothing.
Wow darling. That picture is fabulous! It fits wonderfully! Where did you ever think of something like that? lol Ok Im done. Now Guru comment.
As you already know, I love it! I think "SpEcTaBuLoUs" describes it well. The line, "in a poor done work of art" makes me so sad <-like this. And I like how you said "FANCY knife" cause its a pretty image of such a sad, destructive thing. There are so many more lines I could point out (because I love all of it), but I'm not going to. I'll be copying and pasting the whole thing. You know? I must say, deary... very creative. In my opinion, it's one of your bestys. See what you can come up with while not paying attention in history? Lovely It just proves that going to school actually CAN be productive. Hah who woulda thought? lol Okay, anywho, I'm just gonna add this to my favorites now and be on my way Arvoir peaches
P.S. "You had your big moment on the ice? Well, it's payback time! Kicking your a** would be the icing on my cake!"
Good jod Kateeeeeee. sorry. anyway. i liked it.it was creative. i had to read it twice before i could get the full efect because im slow but after the second time i thought it was clever how each line started off and then the last first line was"Let me write you a poem" because u are. do u know what im talking about. sometimes i dont say things correctly but im trying to say that i thought htis was very good.
"in a poor done work of art"
that was my favorite line. It made me sad too. well im very happpy u wrote another one. I'll be looking foward to many more.