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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A Work of Heartdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: MyFairCalamity
    ASL Info:    17**I'm a lady**philly
    Elite Ratio:    7.1 - 115/67/16
    Words: 103
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 872
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 589



    Description:
       We're reading Oscar Wilde's 'The Picture of Dorian Gray' in class and I thought that the idea of a portrait showing someone's soul was a cool idea. So that's where I started. But, as I'm sure you all know, poetry takes on a mind of it's own sometimes.
    This is what I ended up with.
    Let me know what you think.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Work of Heartdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Let me paint you a portrait
    of my broken soul
    so you can see the empty place
    that was left by what you stole

    Let me draw you a picture
    of my shattered heart
    to show you every sharp edged piece
    in a poor done work of art

    Let me carve you a statue
    of my shredded life
    so you can see how you inspired me
    to chisel with a fancy knife

    Let me write you a poem
    of how my pain will end
    so this weight is lifted from my shoulders
    and given to your heart to tend




    Submitted on 2006-03-09 18:43:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      this is very beautiful and written quite well, I love the picture it does fit it perfectly, This is my favorite stanza

    Let me write you a poem
    of how my pain will end
    so this weight is lifted from my shoulders
    and given to your heart to tend

    Those are very deep meaningful words and you did an excellant job writing this one love it will add to my favs
    | Posted on 2006-10-12 00:00:00 | by LadyMustang | [ Reply to This ]
      Your version:

    Let me draw you a picture
    of my shattered heart
    to show you every sharp edged piece
    in a poor done work of art

    My suggestion:

    Let me paint you a picture
    with this velvet smeared brush --
    eloquently accenting the sharp edges of my broken heart
    and all the pain behind my blush

    I think that the first 3 stanzas need to be reworded, they lack depth and description. This piece to me speaks volumes of opportunity. This could be an amazing write with the ideas you are trying to convey to the reader, but your rhyme scheme is weak adn forced, and there is just no passion behind the words. I think you can do much better with this. Good luck, and please please please, let me know if/when you do.

    Cheers,
    Tom

    P.S. Tell Nikki Tom from Ohio said, "Hey."
    | Posted on 2006-04-23 00:00:00 | by UnspokenDreamer | [ Reply to This ]
      Excellent title for an excellent piece.

    So they make you guys read Dorian Gray these days...well you certainly used your reading to your advantage and created your own masterpiece here. You move through each stanza with seeming ease - your last stanza really pulls this all together and sort of brings it full circle.
    Nicely done,

    Lisa
    | Posted on 2006-04-09 00:00:00 | by ravenwolf68 | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow Kate, Thats really good. It really paints a picture. I like the first lines and how you want to show him what he did to you and how it makes you feel. That you want to move on but if pieces are missing you can't.

    Let me paint you a portrait
    of my broken soul
    so you can see the empty place
    that was left by what you stole

    Is my favourite stanza. I don't really know why. It just speaks to me more then the others. Awesome write, I'd change nothing.
    | Posted on 2006-03-11 00:00:00 | by giver_of_death | [ Reply to This ]
      I love the first sentenc eof each of the stanzas they paint the perfect image in a twisted way,

    "Let me paint you a portrait
    Let me draw you a picture
    Let me carve you a statue
    Let me write you a poem"

    Its all the artistic abilities built into a poem, i also like the fact u added a stanze about poetry, and ironically enough this is a poem.

    and i agree with Liv2LoveThePain

    "I like how you said "FANCY knife" cause its a pretty image of such a sad, destructive thing."

    Its a beautiful write i simply adored it
    a fellow poet
    lots of love
    x0x Mickey x0x
    | Posted on 2006-03-09 00:00:00 | by Drain_my_Blood | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow darling. That picture is fabulous! It fits wonderfully! Where did you ever think of something like that?
    lol Ok Im done.
    Now Guru comment.

    As you already know, I love it! I think "SpEcTaBuLoUs" describes it well.
    The line, "in a poor done work of art" makes me so sad <-like this.
    And I like how you said "FANCY knife" cause its a pretty image of such a sad, destructive thing.
    There are so many more lines I could point out (because I love all of it), but I'm not going to. I'll be copying and pasting the whole thing. You know?
    I must say, deary... very creative.
    In my opinion, it's one of your bestys.
    See what you can come up with while not paying attention in history? Lovely
    It just proves that going to school actually CAN be productive. Hah who woulda thought?
    lol Okay, anywho, I'm just gonna add this to my favorites now and be on my way
    Arvoir peaches

    -nikkki

    P.S. "You had your big moment on the ice? Well, it's payback time! Kicking your a** would be the icing on my cake!"
    | Posted on 2006-03-09 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
      Good jod Kateeeeeee. sorry. anyway. i liked it.it was creative. i had to read it twice before i could get the full efect because im slow but after the second time i thought it was clever how each line started off and then the last first line was"Let me write you a poem" because u are. do u know what im talking about. sometimes i dont say things correctly but im trying to say that i thought htis was very good.

    "in a poor done work of art"

    that was my favorite line. It made me sad too.
    well im very happpy u wrote another one. I'll be looking foward to many more.

    love always,
    Samm
    | Posted on 2006-03-10 00:00:00 | by LoveToHateMe | [ Reply to This ]


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