[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Trail of Breadcrumbsdots

    Author: Raivn
    ASL Info:    33/f/al
    Elite Ratio:    4.28 - 1222/916/231
    Words: 115
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 476
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 681

       Lead him back where he belongs, please?

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTrail of Breadcrumbsdots

    She left a trail of bread crumbs
    So that he might find his way back
    A few scavengers happened along
    And made her clever trail a snack
    She drew a map of precise directions
    So that he would find his way home
    He left her map in a long forgotten place
    And he left her alone
    She sent him a message in a clear, shiny bottle
    That plainly stated the way
    The bottle was broken in a long, violent tempest,
    And she waits for an answer to this day
    She sends up a prayer to a higher being,
    Of whom she cannot see
    "If you're out there, could you please,
    Lead him back to me?"

    Submitted on 2006-03-09 19:17:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      This is really cute. You reached for the common places (breadcrumbs, drawn map, massage in a bottle), that are almost archetypes for trying to reach someone (or something). It allowed you to speak through voice of a child. It made your longing incomprehensible by usual means of comprehension, hence very strong and touching.
    | Posted on 2006-03-15 00:00:00 | by Poly Jean | [ Reply to This ]
    I had a mental image of a hapless girl who's been giving an ex-boyfriend all kinds of excuses to get back again with her. Only to be rebuffed. I also had the image of an absent-minded guy who had given all his time and energy to something else (eg. studies, games) and neglected the girlfriend. Very good imagery there! Fun too!
    | Posted on 2006-03-10 00:00:00 | by unREMb | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this
    This write speaks of true love that has fallan away
    I really like the use of a bottle with a note in it as this could easily refer to love and how fragile it is
    A very good write
    Worded very well
    God Bless
    | Posted on 2006-03-09 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      aw now that has the best imagery i have seen for a while- i like the whole persepective you put this into.. its great i loved it im adding it to muy favs list cuz i can read it again and again and again..

    Peace out

    Me :) xx
    | Posted on 2006-03-09 00:00:00 | by MysterydarkPoet | [ Reply to This ]
      That's a real cutsey poem. Real warm and fuzzy. Not really my type of thing...not really too original, but the pace was good and rhyming, etc. It's alomost two poems in one. It could possibly have greater effect if it ended at "he left her alone" ??
    | Posted on 2006-03-09 00:00:00 | by basement gypsy | [ Reply to This ]
      This is so good Rai, I love it sooo much. And...I think that the end captures it particularly well. Great job, really. but hey I love you and I think that if his home is indeed with you then he will come back...so that is your question...does he really belong there?
    | Posted on 2006-03-10 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      very interesting. this, i must admit is an amazing peice with wonderful immagery. and not only that, but it doesnt have all that meaningless rambling and all those big words no one knows. it also lacks the whole "uhh... im lost" effect (thats a good thing). so keep up the good work, nice peice

    god bless,
    | Posted on 2006-03-09 00:00:00 | by godsminion | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    untitled written by ShyOne
    Shi written by ShyOne
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (1) written by endlessgame23
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Carry written by saartha
    Etiquette written by saartha
    Deep Into A World Of Despair written by DeathTone
    Suffer The Children written by poetotoe
    Birds of a Feather written by poetotoe
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    To the Devil and Candle written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Still Perfectly Flawed written by armand
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    Tartarus written by endlessgame23
    Angel Eyes written by poetotoe
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    Relativity written by poetotoe
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Records I written by Raphael




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]