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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Abandoned Cathedraldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: dax
    ASL Info:    35 male BC Canada
    Elite Ratio:    4.87 - 127/127/42
    Words: 62
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 175
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 475



    Description:
       so far in my life i've really only fallen in love twice and both times went awry


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAbandoned Cathedraldots
    -------------------------------------------




    Hallowed halls,
    inside my heart.
    Echo eternally,
    from your steps.
    Imprints left,
    on this dusty stone.
    Where you trod,
    and left a mark.
    A ghostly choir,
    haunting my mind.
    She tried to unlock,
    heavy doors.
    That led to the mind,
    my cathedral's spire.
    With fear of hurt,
    I kept her out, she left.
    Barring my access,
    to her heavens.




    Submitted on 2006-03-09 22:31:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Neat concept. The title of course had me thinking about a building and that set the metaphor up nicely.

    One thing I might change though is that you changed audiences half way through. In the first part, you're talking to her. Later you're talking to us about her. I would standardize either on you/your or she/her.

    Keep up the good work,


    Steve
    | Posted on 2006-03-10 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      Great title, really impounds the metaphor of the rest of the poem, and it's eye-catching.

    Some lines are beautiful:

    "She tried to unlock,
    heavy doors"

    This especially held my attention (apart form the unnecessary comma!) because it is the only line that admits your debt to her, in that she tried to help you.

    Don't let it descend into cliché - "a ghostly choir" is overdone, and I felt as if you rushed some parts: "With fear of hurt/I kept her out, she left". You just made the entire point of the poem in two lines, and spent the rest of it waxing lyrical. Control what you want to say, and you'll do just fine.
    | Posted on 2006-03-10 00:00:00 | by Lily George | [ Reply to This ]



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    January 10 07
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