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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Spring Homecoming (revised)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: expiring_touch
    ASL Info:    30/f/Hamburg
    Elite Ratio:    4.03 - 137/243/158
    Words: 104
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1339
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 730



    Description:
       Spring... mmm


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSpring Homecoming (revised)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Spring is pulsing in my temples,
    Stretching, young, awake.
    Across the yearning of civilizations
    My heart is lying on the windowsill -
    Where echo of the linden leaves,
    Which went and got themselves splattered
    With rain in autumn,
    Call from the empty gleaming shrines,
    Standing on the precincts of universal subconscious,
    And stress every word -

    You're in love. I'm in love.

    And I've become one painful nerve,
    So tender and aching, swollen feelings
    Dissolve the seashells I collected
    As a child, the blue fingerprints of the sea
    Making love to salted canvas
    Of the Eastern sky.




    Submitted on 2006-03-10 06:00:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Mmm... I like it. And as you've already said the parts that I like better than I can, I won't try to reiterate or rephrase them, but instead just point out the few things that kind of tripped me up.

    "linden leaves" ... great alliteration, great meaning, but I still read it the first four times as "leaden leaves" which really isn't the imagery you were intending...

    the first two lines of the second stanza, esp. "painful nerve" ... I don't know whether to think the speaker is nostalgic or horny. "swollen feelings" just seems like you couldn't come up with a better word... a bit of an anticlimax after such a rich metaphor. All told, I'm not sure if I like the juxtaposition of being in love and childhood memories.

    But that's all I like the way you've put the words together.
    | Posted on 2006-03-10 00:00:00 | by bitterlily | [ Reply to This ]
      Im a first time reader of this one and havn't seen the pre-revised version, but when I read this out loud I really liked it.
    I love the imagery and i really like
    'swollen feelings
    Dissolve the seashells I collected
    As a child'
    These just felt right when i read it. Its got a great ending too - and left me feeling like i wanted to read more! Who cares about juxtaposition - when the read was this good!
    Cheers -
    Mstr Rz
    | Posted on 2006-03-10 00:00:00 | by master raz | [ Reply to This ]


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