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Spring Homecoming (revised)


Author: expiring_touch
ASL Info:    30/f/Hamburg
Elite Ratio:    3.91 - 139 /260 /173
Words: 104
Class/Type: Poetry /Longing
Total Views: 2059
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 730



Description:


Spring... mmm


Spring Homecoming (revised)



Spring is pulsing in my temples,
Stretching, young, awake.
Across the yearning of civilizations
My heart is lying on the windowsill -
Where echo of the linden leaves,
Which went and got themselves splattered
With rain in autumn,
Call from the empty gleaming shrines,
Standing on the precincts of universal subconscious,
And stress every word -

You're in love. I'm in love.

And I've become one painful nerve,
So tender and aching, swollen feelings
Dissolve the seashells I collected
As a child, the blue fingerprints of the sea
Making love to salted canvas
Of the Eastern sky.




Submitted on 2006-03-10 06:00:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  Mmm... I like it. And as you've already said the parts that I like better than I can, I won't try to reiterate or rephrase them, but instead just point out the few things that kind of tripped me up.

"linden leaves" ... great alliteration, great meaning, but I still read it the first four times as "leaden leaves" which really isn't the imagery you were intending...

the first two lines of the second stanza, esp. "painful nerve" ... I don't know whether to think the speaker is nostalgic or horny. "swollen feelings" just seems like you couldn't come up with a better word... a bit of an anticlimax after such a rich metaphor. All told, I'm not sure if I like the juxtaposition of being in love and childhood memories.

But that's all I like the way you've put the words together.
| Posted on 2006-03-10 00:00:00 | by bitterlily | [ Reply to This ]
  Im a first time reader of this one and havn't seen the pre-revised version, but when I read this out loud I really liked it.
I love the imagery and i really like
'swollen feelings
Dissolve the seashells I collected
As a child'
These just felt right when i read it. Its got a great ending too - and left me feeling like i wanted to read more! Who cares about juxtaposition - when the read was this good!
Cheers -
Mstr Rz
| Posted on 2006-03-10 00:00:00 | by master raz | [ Reply to This ]


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