Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Spring Homecoming (revised)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: expiring_touch
    ASL Info:    26/f/Hamburg
    Elite Ratio:    4.03 - 136/243/156
    Words: 104
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1242
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 730



    Description:
       Spring... mmm


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSpring Homecoming (revised)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Spring is pulsing in my temples,
    Stretching, young, awake.
    Across the yearning of civilizations
    My heart is lying on the windowsill -
    Where echo of the linden leaves,
    Which went and got themselves splattered
    With rain in autumn,
    Call from the empty gleaming shrines,
    Standing on the precincts of universal subconscious,
    And stress every word -

    You're in love. I'm in love.

    And I've become one painful nerve,
    So tender and aching, swollen feelings
    Dissolve the seashells I collected
    As a child, the blue fingerprints of the sea
    Making love to salted canvas
    Of the Eastern sky.




    Submitted on 2006-03-10 06:00:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Mmm... I like it. And as you've already said the parts that I like better than I can, I won't try to reiterate or rephrase them, but instead just point out the few things that kind of tripped me up.

    "linden leaves" ... great alliteration, great meaning, but I still read it the first four times as "leaden leaves" which really isn't the imagery you were intending...

    the first two lines of the second stanza, esp. "painful nerve" ... I don't know whether to think the speaker is nostalgic or horny. "swollen feelings" just seems like you couldn't come up with a better word... a bit of an anticlimax after such a rich metaphor. All told, I'm not sure if I like the juxtaposition of being in love and childhood memories.

    But that's all I like the way you've put the words together.
    | Posted on 2006-03-10 00:00:00 | by bitterlily | [ Reply to This ]
      Im a first time reader of this one and havn't seen the pre-revised version, but when I read this out loud I really liked it.
    I love the imagery and i really like
    'swollen feelings
    Dissolve the seashells I collected
    As a child'
    These just felt right when i read it. Its got a great ending too - and left me feeling like i wanted to read more! Who cares about juxtaposition - when the read was this good!
    Cheers -
    Mstr Rz
    | Posted on 2006-03-10 00:00:00 | by master raz | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    94479

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    the living moment written by ShyOne
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (6) written by endlessgame23
    an unashamed poverty written by Daniel Barlow
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (2) written by endlessgame23
    to Be like written by KeeperOfLight
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (7) written by endlessgame23
    Fasade written by jackz
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Cosmic Dreams written by Chelebel
    Records I written by Raphael
    a mood to be free written by Daniel Barlow
    prison written by ShyOne
    Yes written by poetotoe
    To the Devil and Candle written by HisNameIsNoMore
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    untitled written by ShyOne
    the testing of hypotheses written by Daniel Barlow
    Every..... written by jackz
    a safe place written by Daniel Barlow
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    no words for how graceful you are in this moment written by Daniel Barlow
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    Love written by saartha
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    Etiquette written by saartha
    Deep Into A World Of Despair written by DeathTone
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    You read free written by poetotoe

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry