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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Bearded Mandots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: bbcakes1115
    ASL Info:    22/f/ut
    Elite Ratio:    3.68 - 35/27/16
    Words: 59
    Class/Type: Poetry/The pain inside
    Total Views: 795
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 407



    Description:
       In this I saw my uncle who just recently died. He was always so happy that he lived such a wonderful life but as he got sicker I saw him just waiting for death to take him from his pain. His body getting older and hurting more and his heart aching with age. And it made me feel for him and write him this just to know that some of us cared and noticed his pain and suffering.
    In your comments I want to know what you felt when reading this and what you think of my writing and how it affected you. Be very judgemental. I have never been reviewed and I would like to have the input. Thank You!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBearded Mandots
    -------------------------------------------


    Upon the mountain top
    Do I see the bearded man
    Stand so proudly on his feet
    Beneath his lies solid stone
    And above there's eagles flight
    In breath he sings
    But by body he breaks
    His bones unsteady
    Yet he waits
    For the darker glory
    The years are misspent
    And thoughts undone
    But his heart awaits
    The burdoned one




    Submitted on 2006-03-10 09:00:19     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I think writing poetry consists of two distinct things. First you need to notice something or create an image in your head. You've done a great job of that here and most people can't. It's amazing how many poems I read about generic love, weather conditions and plain jane pain. "Ow, it hurts!" You've got a great concept here. Finding unique images worth presenting is where the true talent lies.

    The second part of writing is communicating that image and believe it or not, a lot of it is nothing more than logical, step by step, trickery. I'm going to give you all I've got on this one because I really like the concept. Your emotion and theme is really strong. I think I can show you a few tricks to help get there. Don't think of this as me rewriting your piece (even though I will), think of it as exploring little tools to help make that emotional communication stronger.

    I'll warn you before I start, I'm going to be nitpicky as hell. That doesn't mean this isn't a valiant effort. First, there a few grammatical points to clear up.

    Upon the mountain top
    Do I see the bearded man

    "Do I" is typically a question structure. I think this would be better with simply "I see"

    Stand so proudly on his feet
    Standing?

    Beneath his lies solid stone
    I think you might be missing a word here. His what? probably feet. Adding feet here though makes two consecutive lines with that word. Maybe we can take out of the line above and insert it here.

    And above there's eagles flight
    Eagles should be a possessive plural , I think, as it's their flight = eagles'

    In breath he sings
    But by body he breaks
    His bones unsteady
    Yet he waits
    For the darker glory
    The years are misspent
    And thoughts undone
    But his heart awaits
    The burdoned one

    Should be burdened

    Now with the "English Teacher stuff out of the way, where are we?

    Upon the mountain top
    I see the bearded man
    Standing so proudly
    Beneath his feet lies solid stone
    And above there's eagles' flight
    In breath he sings
    But by body he breaks
    His bones unsteady
    Yet he waits
    For the darker glory
    The years are misspent
    And thoughts undone
    But his heart awaits
    The burdened one

    So far, so good.

    The next thing I wanted to address was verb choice. To me verbs are your best tools for creating action, as well as for creating mood. When I reach this point, I spend a lot of time on www.rhymezone.com looking for synonyms.

    Your first verb is "see", adequate but no more. I'm thinking you want kind of a foggy sort of view, perhaps "glimpse".

    Stands is OK, but "is" (here part of there's) is always worth looking at. Here, you're using a passive tense, which is rarely helpful. Perhaps:
    And above, eagles fly
    Rhymezone points out soar or wing as alternative verbs.

    That gives us:

    Upon the mountain top
    I glimpse the bearded man
    Standing so proudly
    Beneath his feet lies solid stone
    And above eagles soar
    In breath he sings
    But by body he breaks
    His bones unsteady
    Yet he waits
    For the darker glory
    The years are misspent
    And thoughts undone
    But his heart awaits
    The burdened one


    Another thing I try to do is eliminate as many conjunctions and other little words as I can. Freeform poetry has very few rules and allows to do anything we want for the sake of emotion. Getting rid of little words usually adds drama.

    Upon the mountain top
    I glimpse the bearded man
    Standing so proudly
    Beneath his feet lies solid stone
    While above eagles soar
    In breath he sings
    His body breaks
    His bones unsteady
    He waits
    For the darker glory
    Years misspent
    Thoughts undone
    His heart awaits
    The burdened one


    The last trick up my sleeve is pausing. I think poetry is best read aloud and the more I can force my readers into a dramatic oral delivery, the better. Your best tools for that are line breaks and blank lines. Failing those, you've got commas, ellipses and general weird structure on the page.

    Now we have:

    Upon the mountain top
    I glimpse the bearded man standing so proudly

    Beneath his feet lies solid stone
    While above eagles soar

    In breath he sings
    His body breaks
    His bones unsteady

    He waits for the darker glory
    Years misspent, thoughts undone

    His heart awaits the burdened one


    That's about all I have to offer. "The burdened one" might need a touch more work, but it almost sounded like a religious belief that I'm not really acquainted with. I was also a little unclear if he's waiting for the burdened one or if he is the burdened one. If he's the burdened one, then we need a comma and our line break back.
    His heart awaits,
    The burdened one


    Hope some of this helps



    Steve
    | Posted on 2006-03-14 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      not bad, however the description i feel takes away from it, becasue it limits what others can take it to be, hoever it also worx to show exactly what you so diligently portrayed
    | Posted on 2006-03-12 00:00:00 | by dismentled | [ Reply to This ]
      This was good. I like the subject, I didn't read what it was about because iwanted to get a better idea of who this man was on my own. It sounds like you know him well. Maybe he is someone close to you, feels like a mentor of some type. Anyways I really liked this poem.
    | Posted on 2006-03-10 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      A nice short poem that takes place with the memory of your uncle. The rhythm was good and couldnt find any mistakes.

    The rhythm transaction you can see flows nicely from line to line. I didnt spy any spelling mistakes so thats good. I always have lots of those
    | Posted on 2006-03-10 00:00:00 | by Evil Jesture | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    94492

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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