Description: i was walking in a sunny day ... and i wrote wut i saw
Summer days -------------------------------------------
The sun has come
Children running on the park,
Teenagers playing soccer in the road,
Girls buying some new clothes,
Boys taking a shower to go out at night,
You reading this and I writing it;
Which are happpiness in its maximum expression.
it was very short but created a very vivid picture in my mind. I love summer and you captured the essence of it in this poem. I like how you used very few words but maybe you can add a little more to describe it a little more vividly. Good writing
Very descriptive,i like the picture in my head...but it was very blunt..you could leave a little to the imagination..summer is the best time of year..its beautiful outside..its a time to let loose, and start new beginnings..atleast it is for me...anyhows i really liked this piece..keep it up! ^.^ --Lucy--
I like the idea of putting real life events to create a piem of sorts. I do think that the line about a boy taking a shower is not something you would actually see, so this would be a poem where you are also imagining some of these things taking place. I also think you could expound on this some more. It gave a glimpse of everyday life but not all of it. Add more things that can happen in a day or night and keep the last two lines. That's pretty much all I suggest for this one. Very nice.
I like the simplicity of this very well. On the revising side I think you should change “on” to “in” in the first line, you misspelled “happiness” and you should use a comma after “it” not a semicolon. On the poem aspect I like how you take us into your eyes f a summer afternoon and close it with your last line by stating summer is happiness at its climax. I think this poem lacks intrigue though, which could set it apart from any other poem about the goodness of summer. The reader wants to hear something new or thought-provoking about summer that he/she never thought of. What is significant about your experience with summer that will compel us to say” hmmm I never thought of summer in that way before” I think the separates the nice poems from the great one…well I really did enjoy this one, thanks for the post