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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Summer daysdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: vitoko
    ASL Info:    24/M
    Elite Ratio:    4.4 - 690/442/104
    Words: 44
    Class/Type: Random Thoughts/Nature
    Total Views: 507
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 282



    Description:
       i was walking in a sunny day ... and i wrote wut i saw


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSummer daysdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The sun has come
    Children running on the park,
    Teenagers playing soccer in the road,
    Girls buying some new clothes,
    Boys taking a shower to go out at night,
    You reading this and I writing it;
    Which are happpiness in its maximum expression.




    Submitted on 2006-03-10 11:42:00     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      it was very short but created a very vivid picture in my mind. I love summer and you captured the essence of it in this poem. I like how you used very few words but maybe you can add a little more to describe it a little more vividly. Good writing

    ~Nique~
    | Posted on 2006-04-09 00:00:00 | by nique | [ Reply to This ]
      Very descriptive,i like the picture in my head...but it was very blunt..you could leave a little to the imagination..summer is the best time of year..its beautiful outside..its a time to let loose, and start new beginnings..atleast it is for me...anyhows i really liked this piece..keep it up! ^.^
    --Lucy--
    | Posted on 2006-04-07 00:00:00 | by rainbowXrazors | [ Reply to This ]
      Sometimes simplicity kills a poem, but you have managed to make this poem work. The shortness of the piece helps us see the fleeting feeling of summer's coming and going.
    Loveage,
    Mike
    | Posted on 2006-03-25 00:00:00 | by sageeriol | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the idea of putting real life events to create a piem of sorts. I do think that the line about a boy taking a shower is not something you would actually see, so this would be a poem where you are also imagining some of these things taking place. I also think you could expound on this some more. It gave a glimpse of everyday life but not all of it. Add more things that can happen in a day or night and keep the last two lines. That's pretty much all I suggest for this one. Very nice.

    Maggie
    | Posted on 2006-03-10 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      
    I like the simplicity of this very well. On the revising side I think you should change “on” to “in” in the first line, you misspelled “happiness” and you should use a comma after “it” not a semicolon. On the poem aspect I like how you take us into your eyes f a summer afternoon and close it with your last line by stating summer is happiness at its climax. I think this poem lacks intrigue though, which could set it apart from any other poem about the goodness of summer. The reader wants to hear something new or thought-provoking about summer that he/she never thought of. What is significant about your experience with summer that will compel us to say” hmmm I never thought of summer in that way before” I think the separates the nice poems from the great one…well I really did enjoy this one, thanks for the post
    | Posted on 2006-03-10 00:00:00 | by Lyricist | [ Reply to This ]


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