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    dots Submission Name: Summer daysdots

    Author: vitoko
    ASL Info:    24/M
    Elite Ratio:    4.4 - 690/442/104
    Words: 44
    Class/Type: Random Thoughts/Nature
    Total Views: 507
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 282

       i was walking in a sunny day ... and i wrote wut i saw

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSummer daysdots

    The sun has come
    Children running on the park,
    Teenagers playing soccer in the road,
    Girls buying some new clothes,
    Boys taking a shower to go out at night,
    You reading this and I writing it;
    Which are happpiness in its maximum expression.

    Submitted on 2006-03-10 11:42:00     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      it was very short but created a very vivid picture in my mind. I love summer and you captured the essence of it in this poem. I like how you used very few words but maybe you can add a little more to describe it a little more vividly. Good writing

    | Posted on 2006-04-09 00:00:00 | by nique | [ Reply to This ]
      Very descriptive,i like the picture in my head...but it was very blunt..you could leave a little to the imagination..summer is the best time of year..its beautiful outside..its a time to let loose, and start new beginnings..atleast it is for me...anyhows i really liked this piece..keep it up! ^.^
    | Posted on 2006-04-07 00:00:00 | by rainbowXrazors | [ Reply to This ]
      Sometimes simplicity kills a poem, but you have managed to make this poem work. The shortness of the piece helps us see the fleeting feeling of summer's coming and going.
    | Posted on 2006-03-25 00:00:00 | by sageeriol | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the idea of putting real life events to create a piem of sorts. I do think that the line about a boy taking a shower is not something you would actually see, so this would be a poem where you are also imagining some of these things taking place. I also think you could expound on this some more. It gave a glimpse of everyday life but not all of it. Add more things that can happen in a day or night and keep the last two lines. That's pretty much all I suggest for this one. Very nice.

    | Posted on 2006-03-10 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
    I like the simplicity of this very well. On the revising side I think you should change “on” to “in” in the first line, you misspelled “happiness” and you should use a comma after “it” not a semicolon. On the poem aspect I like how you take us into your eyes f a summer afternoon and close it with your last line by stating summer is happiness at its climax. I think this poem lacks intrigue though, which could set it apart from any other poem about the goodness of summer. The reader wants to hear something new or thought-provoking about summer that he/she never thought of. What is significant about your experience with summer that will compel us to say” hmmm I never thought of summer in that way before” I think the separates the nice poems from the great one…well I really did enjoy this one, thanks for the post
    | Posted on 2006-03-10 00:00:00 | by Lyricist | [ Reply to This ]

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