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    dots Submission Name: Beautiful in Blackdots

    Author: comradenessie
    Elite Ratio:    6.5 - 626/539/110
    Words: 158
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 754
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1020


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBeautiful in Blackdots

    Akin to a Bird-of-Paradise,
    swathes of silken blonde hair
    livid with purple plumes,
    he ambled past the local hospital,
    gay pride in every step.

    He appealed to her aestheticism,
    she was a writer of poems
    and lover of fine art,
    she thought how his flesh
    was delicate as the features
    of a Pre-Raphaelite portrait.

    Their eyes met for a moment
    he perceived her disapproval
    and inwardly, fell to earth
    like a shot bird,
    his plumage in disarray.

    Outwardly defiant, he glared
    - a gulf of years
    gushed between them
    like a river too wide to bridge,
    and they stared at each other,
    isolated on separate shores.

    His eyes darkened with disdain.
    He frowned assertive
    as if that Bird of Paradise
    was splaying out it's vivid tail.
    She walked on, talon-torn
    by a stranger's glare.

    Submitted on 2006-03-10 11:53:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Excellently written. I enjoyed this immensely, and it made me want to read it again, which is always a good thing. Your imagery is excellent, and I've never read anything quite like this before.
    | Posted on 2006-12-15 00:00:00 | by Clarkie | [ Reply to This ]
      I also think this is excellent...and think the rejection needs clarity...
    Perhaps ..
    she viewed the gem-bright array
    as subterfuge not natural to any man...
    He saw the thought in her creasing brow
    and though borrowed, his feathers ruffled
    and hepointedly stalked away.

    that type of idea, not those actual lines..if that is what you met...
    there are gays who are affronted if a viewer is not shocked or prone to a visible reaction...so they can get defensive if they are unjustly (in their minds) ignored...and hey...My patch of earth, while I see it as much different, looks exactly the same, from the point of view of some more reactionary folk...
    Peace and a intelligent and witty essay., or sashay?

    | Posted on 2006-04-02 00:00:00 | by koster | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this is great. I love the bird metaphor and how you use it. You take a chance meeting and turn it into volumes on acceptance and rejection. One small thing bothers me though. In stanza 2 she views him as a work of art, In stanza 3 he senses her disapproval. I think that happens too quickly. Nothing indicates her rejection until he sees it. She goes instantly from admirerer to repulsed. It's just too sudden of a change. Maybe if her feelings were more inward it would help.

    "Their eyes met for a moment
    and he perceived her inward disapproval
    then fell to earth
    like a shot bird,
    his plumage in disarray."

    Maybe this will help, maybe not. It just seemed a sudden change for her to admire him artisticly and then reject his life style. I thought if this were an inward thing, that he sensed in her eyes , it would be more of a transition.

    Loved this, and am FAVing it. A beautiful metaphor and a terrific poem.

    | Posted on 2006-03-14 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      Nicely done.

    I saw the bird pic and read the first couple of lines thinking "Oh, this is cute, if a little different. She's writing about a bird." Then the lines:
    he ambled past the local hospital,
    gay pride in every step.

    worked with the bird image to create such a vivid picture. I can SO see this guy.

    The entire piece is very powerful. What I really like about is that we're left not hating or looking down on either of these people. They're both OK, even though they've inadvertantly hurt each other. It brings to life how people from different worlds can miscommunicate, even when they're only making eye contact.

    Nice piece.

    | Posted on 2006-03-12 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      It's sad that humans can still judge people from the outside, instead of the inside.

    I liked this piece. It was full of emotions- pride, interest, disapproval, pain, anger, sadness. You have captured the desire to just be 'you' without judgements from others well.

    Well done,


    P.S. Second stanza, first line should be "Aestheticism".
    | Posted on 2006-03-10 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]
      I think I've commented on like 2 or 3 or 4 of your poems, and every time I do I think your poems are pretty brilliant. This one is awesome. Great syntax and diction, not too lofty or complicated, but definitely not simple. Especially how the tides turn at the end. Faving!
    | Posted on 2006-03-10 00:00:00 | by Sipthefallensky | [ Reply to This ]

    well, ok, where to start. there's this huge gap between the two people of silence and is it true that if people didn't assume but listened and spoke that the world would be a far far better place. but instead the two charcters are "isolated on seperate shores" and i just want to scream at them.

    if i was to make a suggestion it would be to get rid of "porcelian" - it made the line feel too bulky - so it would read like:
    "was delicate as the features
    of a Pre-Raphaelite portrait."

    but that's entirely up to you.

    back to being positive, I thought the bird simile worked really well especially at the end with
    "She walked on, talon-torn
    by a stranger's glare."

    and what better place to end than the end.

    | Posted on 2006-03-11 00:00:00 | by Icarus | [ Reply to This ]

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