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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Dont Smokedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: PaulHudson
    ASL Info:    21/Male/Southend, Essex
    Elite Ratio:    5.56 - 70/71/19
    Words: 55
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 672
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 476



    Description:
       I was trying to imagine watching someone lose me as I lose her, gives me motivation to quit.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDont Smokedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Bliss’s soothing stroke
    comforts inconsolable souls.
    Your last clasp,
    as I lose mine.

    Your sparkling eyes, happy tears
    shed into salted saddened streams
    trickling away from us.
    Unforgiving and unfortunate circumstance
    too often forgot.

    These trembling eyes
    unmercifully rotten.
    Bleed the anguish of disease.
    The inevitable fatality
    of a splendorous life.
    Spent.




    Submitted on 2006-03-10 18:32:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      i think without the title...and description this would be more universal...

    i really like the feeling in it of losing each other...something that could be avoided...but not always...leaving it open would suggest a "mutual losing" for whatever reason...but we would still greatly feel the pain because of the wording... the last stanza is so good...

    leaving it open, your "disease" could be like "the sick rose" by William Blake..where the "worm" could be disease but could also be an affair or other sickness in the relationship...


    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-04-17 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      I wonder if I would have gotten this if you hadn't explained it in the description. I think I would have figured out about the friend dying from a smoking-related something, but I doubt I would have picked up on the speaker trying to quit themself.

    All in all, there are parts of this that I really like, but that I still find confusing. For example,

    Your last clasp,
    as I lose mine.

    ... I really like the sound of this, the symmetry, the simplicity. But I have to rack my brain to be able to come up with what you might mean here. (Your last clasp meaning the last time the speaker held their friend's hand; the speaker's clasp is ... on a cigarette?) Another example is how in the second stanza, the person the speaker is addressing has sparkling eyes, but in the third stanza they are rotten. In the second stanza, I keep trying to look for meaning past that someone is crying, but I just can't find it... the last two lines of the second stanza are difficult to unravel.

    The last three lines work well, save for the period at the end of life.

    --Jasmine
    | Posted on 2006-03-23 00:00:00 | by bitterlily | [ Reply to This ]
      good luck on quiting. it's hard but it takes motivation. i smoked for 4 years. on & off. my last cigarette came and went. then came the tears and depression. but remember: it is only temporary. don't let it make you pick up again! later.
    | Posted on 2006-03-11 00:00:00 | by vohomegirl | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a heartbreaking piece describing exactly what addiction of any kind can do to ruin a person's life and the lives of those around them. It's good to know some smokers actually think about the consequences of what they are doing. I hope, and know, you have it in you to quit.

    As for the piece, format and wording are impressive. One piece of personal advice is that you put a full stop after "life" in the last stanza, leave a space then put in "Spent." alone at the end. It would add to the effect. Just a suggestion.

    DeepDreamer2008
    | Posted on 2006-03-11 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]


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