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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: OnlyTheRestRoove & Lamentationdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: FrankBlissett
    Elite Ratio:    5.17 - 206/191/66
    Words: 138
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 233
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1124



    Description:
       Here are re-posts of two of my dream-poems - "Only The Rest Roove" and "Lamentation". The primary thing I am looking for is which of the two leaves the biggest impression on you (in a good way). Any further critique on either poem is welcome and encouraged.

    ps: "Roove" is a non-sense word that came from a dream, so don't bother trying to look it up.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOnlyTheRestRoove & Lamentationdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Only The Rest Roove

    Only the rest roove
    On a sanitarium
    In the middle of the hill.

    The others walk the streets,
    Blind zombies
    Shuffling still.

    While the inmates
    Flee the asylum;
    At least those who are ill.



    Lamentation

    I talk with the crows
    And a hoarse voice croaks
    The name of her lover,
    Whose body fed foxes under the oaks.

    But I assure
    "A shadow waits nearby,
    Beyond the reach of foxes,
    For your black heart's reply."

    So The Shadow watches
    While the Black Heart beats.
    And the clutch is warmed above,
    By maternal heat.

    But from below I know
    What neither sees and none can say.
    Dripping from the nest
    Quicksilver drains blackness grey.







    Submitted on 2006-03-10 19:30:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      The first one definitely wins for me, but that might only be because I know these to be based on dreams. The first one somehow makes more sense, in that weird dream-logical way... especially that little catch at the end.

    As for "Lamentation" ... I dunno. It just feels so similar to so much else that you've written... it doesn't seem new or different except that it makes less sense. I mean, it's one of these that on the first read, in pieces, it's great, and it's got great lines and great imagery, but as a whole, it just didn't strike me particularly much. On a second read, I like it a lot more, but I only read it twice because I'm trying to think about it, you know? "On The Rest Roove" I read more than twice because I wanted to "get" it, to figure it out...
    | Posted on 2006-03-13 00:00:00 | by bitterlily | [ Reply to This ]
      Roove
    v.

    1. an example of frankblissettry "look at frank roove..."
    2. word that appears in dreaming (see frankblissett)

    it is odd that you would use a made up word for this post, you're probably emphasizing on something different without actually referring to it with words that elude definition.

    lamentation here, definitely leaves the bigger impression- it is wonderfully written and rhymed and the meter is nice and tight as a drum. from it, i get images of rabbits or any mammalian creature that burrows and keeps its young in a den lamenting the predators that scurry about here and there that threatens the safety of life stored inside. a fine write.

    peace.
    | Posted on 2006-03-13 00:00:00 | by Pietro | [ Reply to This ]



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