One Love, One Hate by Saint

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Submission Name: One Love, One Hate dots

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Author:	Saint
ASL Info:	18/Male/Boston, MA
Elite Ratio:	3.41 - 87/119/30
Words:	143

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	204
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	896

Description:
This one is dedicated to a scorpion desguised as a goddess, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! This write is still under construction, so all opinions are wellcomed. Anyway, enjoy.

One Love, One Hate dots

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One love, One hate
My heart was just too late
I fell for you
And know im through
Within and without
Im filled with doubt

Thy love, Thy enemy
Swept down from up above
Gave me light
All through the night
Now roll away like golden rings
Or help me mend these broken wings

My friend, my mere aquintance
It seems I've lost all patience
Left my heart all burnt and black
Left with your poison, no turning back
Lost my will, no power to move
This pain I must live with, no time to soothe

Holy goddess, dear damnation
Losing all of lifes sensation
I see your face, then your gone
A scorpion scurries, my heart was wrong
Looking up at a vast sky so blue
Gives me hope for the future, and I hate you

Submitted on 2006-03-10 20:37:54 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  i like the insinuations in this poem, and comparing the woman with a scorpion - sting in the tail, the golden rings, and brokens wings lines too were excellent, like a proposal would have been there, all in all I liked this a lot

The only probs i have is in places it might flow better, just with changing it ever-so-slightly.. and the last liine, I hate you- is so strong a statement, but is lost in little letters and a comma.
kept me reading though, and definetely captured the confusion of love and hate

Take care
| Posted on 2006-04-11 00:00:00 | by cerberus74 | [ Reply to This ]
  very contrastong way to describe your feeling that might sometimes keep in our hearts sometimes we got confusing feeling ad atuff..
w el i like your wrtiitng i think you could improve it .. but it was ok.. take care and .. please keep n writing
and if you have time please take a look to my writings
peace and love
victor!
| Posted on 2006-03-11 00:00:00 | by vitoko | [ Reply to This ]
  you're a little scattered brained when piecing the work together and your rhyme scheme sometimes shifted and you have some gramatical errors but who doesnt once in a while its still a good write and i loved the ending...

Looking up at a vast sky so blue
Gives me hope for the future, and I hate you

because honey it is so true! keep it up!
| Posted on 2006-03-11 00:00:00 | by withouthope | [ Reply to This ]
  I really like this. Comparing a woman that destroyed your heart to a scorpion, in my opinio, is just brilliant! I can understand how you feel with this, been there too many times myself. It's easy to read, and easy to relate to as well. This is a good piece, keep it goin. And remember a lght will shine on your darkest day if you believe it can happen
~rob~
| Posted on 2006-03-11 00:00:00 | by ThisIsReal | [ Reply to This ]
  Hhhmmm. I like the way you contrasted love and hate. I like the way you used owrds of old english to give this a polished feel. I only did not like the last line. I think your flow could use some improving and the wording was good. The rhmying seem forced in a couple of places, but it did not ruin this poem. You did a great job detailing your pain and how she hurt you. Overall, very good.

Maggie
| Posted on 2006-03-10 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
  stong piece...your words did add a nice effect with the bit of old english undertone. your flow was pretty good throught the whole thing with the exception of a few places where that seemed like your only focus. this was a very nice expression, there was alot of detail and emotion and your hurt was evident throughout. nice job with this one.
| Posted on 2006-03-11 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
  I liked this. overal it was alright. i liked the beggining..i wish the end was as strong as the beggining was...the rhyme did seem alittle forced..maybe think about havin a rewrite on this? maybe keep the love and hate idea and see what comes to you from then.
there are alot of different ways to write poetry..so look into that..and maybe think about trying a free write.
so good job. i look forward to seeing if you improve.
xoxo
me
p.s. check out some of my work too.
| Posted on 2006-03-10 00:00:00 | by 2Numb | [ Reply to This ]

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