Waltz Of Words by lenotoire

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Submission Name: Waltz Of Words dots

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Author:	lenotoire
ASL Info:	32/F/Northern Michigan
Elite Ratio:	8 - 466/177/22
Words:	81

Class/Type:	Misc/Longing
Total Views:	287
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	566

Description:
A far, far cry from great. Oh, but what the hell.

Waltz Of Words dots

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Awake! Open those heavy lids. They dance.

In unison they sway to thundering heartbeats
with steady steps
to a symphony of thoughts.
Words of love mingle gracefully
together
with laughter and pain, hope and despair.
Oh! And let us not forget
life and death.
Every emotion pleads for its release.

Forming flawless lines,
they come together in a magnificent waltz.
Then suddenly, the music stops.

The words are gone, and my head aches.

Submitted on 2006-03-10 21:45:20 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  I like the metaphor here, but I think this needs more in the way of concrete imagery. You've got words like 'thundering' and symphony' here which are great starts but complete the image by giving the reader more. 'thunderling like mustangs running across the prairie' or 'symhony like a Brahm's lullabye' for example. Keep going with this.

Peace,

Joe
| Posted on 2006-05-20 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a very good poem. Any writer can surely relate to this one. Inspiration comes in the strangest ways, sometimes for no reason whatsoever and the words just pour from the mind onto the page. Sometimes though, writers block can really suck and it feels like eternity before anything comes to mind. Strange how that works but I guess it happens to all of us. This is a good write. You express this idea in a unique and refreshing way and I enjoyed reading this. Take care.

Lorna
| Posted on 2006-05-12 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
  Good Afternoon!

I haven't really had the chance to read your work or get to know you. This is the first time that I've probably critiqued any of your work also, but something about this piece drew my attention.

I really liked the fact that you made it so simple and smooth. As I read through each line, it was nice and relaxing.
Usually when I start thinking about or writing a poem or story, my words and thoughts are as such as a flowing waltz. It's a great feeling because when I begin a piece, all my feelings toward it become one in a sense.
After reading your piece, I had this image of my words and thoughts dancing within my head and pouring perfectly out of my fingers onto a piece of paper. I guess it's kinda weird, but whatever.

Unfortunately, however, as I work on a piece further, I tend to get a bit stressed and the waltz of thoughts within my head begins to fade. ...that's just me though.

In short, I enjoyed reading this piece of yours. I'm glad I took the time to read it.
I'll probably be checking out others in time as well.

Take care.

Crystal
| Posted on 2006-04-27 00:00:00 | by purely_complex | [ Reply to This ]
  This is absolutly gorgeous, but there is along of subject confusion the reader experiences. If it wasn't for your title I wouldn't know that it was the words waltzing. For a while, I thought it was your eyelids? maybe dreams? Anyways, the flow was amazing, and so well punctuated... and ahhh it was so NICE! I have not read poetry like this in a while, is has a distinct style.
There's just a few problems (For me) with the subject confusion:

Awake! Open those heavy lids. They dance.
- good start, great opening, but what dances? the reader has no clue.

In unison they sway to thundering heartbeats
with steady steps
to a symphony of thoughts.
Words( this is the first clue as to what 'they' could be, but because it was so vauge in the begining, it could just be a discriptor of what 'they' really is.) of love mingle gracefully
together
with laughter and pain, hope and despair.
Oh! And let us not forget
life and death.
Every emotion pleads for its (its being life? or death? or is that up for the reader to decide? still alittle vauge... leave the reader hanging needlessly instead of thinking about the words) release.

Forming flawless lines,
they come together in a magnificent waltz.
Then suddenly, the music stops.

The words are gone, and my head aches.

Fabulous last lines. I dont know how often brilliant words come into my head, and just like that they are gone. Lost for EVER. Its alittle ridiculous, because I have alot to say, and it seems to never come out quite the way I origionally planned for it to be.

Other than that, the poem was so musical! I absolutely loved how origional it was.
Good work and good luck!
-Ann
| Posted on 2006-04-13 00:00:00 | by andrya | [ Reply to This ]
  A sonata of inspiration that comes and goes at will? Yes, I think we all get that and you captured it perfectly here.

What is great anyway Crystal? It's when people connect, that's what great is... and I connected. Perhaps because you talk of music and writing it appeals immensely.

I remember you PM'ing this to me a while back... when you said you were in a slump. But what better way to get out of that slump than to tackle it head on and bash it in the face with a handy pair of poetry gloves?

That was such a weird analogy. And a weird comment. Lol, but you'll get over it I'm sure.

About the only thing I could suggest critique-wise would be the lineation of your poem. Just one part -
'Words of love mingle gracefully
together'
- 'together' looks kinda lonely by itself. But of course, that's how it's meant to be read out, right? If not, then maybe lineate it like this -
'Words of love
mingle gracefully together'
- there seems to be a definite end stress on the word 'love'... but again, that's just how I'm reading it out in terms of the rhythm.

Come now, you know I'm an anal nitpicker. It's just a suggestion you probably shouldn't take. I just can't help myself.

Anyways, a wonderful poem. To the point, precise and with a nice cadence to it all.
Peace,

Jase
| Posted on 2006-04-12 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
  Crystal, pretty cool stuff! A call to the muse, very well done!
I like the way you've written in that it could be personal for you, or a call to all writers, a very neat little touch.

Excellent work, I love it!

be happy

Graeme
| Posted on 2006-03-29 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
  Nice! Its like when you get into the rhythm of writing, non-stop, like the flow of music. Each step is emotional, each word is a release... slowly until a point where you can't write anymore (tired, or writer's block)... then you feel weary... and the aches and pains start seeping in. :p Very nice. It really made me feel like dancing. haha.

Bann
| Posted on 2006-03-20 00:00:00 | by unREMb | [ Reply to This ]
  I like pieces about writing and this is one of the better ones I've read recently. I teach line dance and waltzes are always the most beautiful dances. I love the contrasting emotions (laugher/pain, life/death). (despair/desperation could change maybe to hope/despair?).

You've really mastered where to break your pieces. I love the "Suddenly, the music stops" and then the white space beneath it, emphasizing the silence.

The ironic thing about this piece, is that you've written a beautiful free form piece and now I'm thinking about form. I wonder if a poem can be written in waltz???

Steve
| Posted on 2006-03-13 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
  Hi
This is a really good idea and a very good write
I like the way you compare life to one long waltz that dosent stop till the music stops
I really like that idea
There is a sound of life that I have written about that is like a steady beat and yes one can dance to it
Great Job!
God Bless
Ron
| Posted on 2006-03-11 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  it's like how i feel when i'm writing - not just the odd word but really burning with waltzing words that need to leave my head to fully dance - or when i'm having a really great conversation and the words are dancing mid-air - and then when the sparking high ends i'm tired and aching.

and the poem feels as spontaneous as that.

and don't be so self-deprecating in your description!

and one nitpick:
"Forming flawless line(s)"

and thanks for sharing.

Adam.
| Posted on 2006-03-11 00:00:00 | by Icarus | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey there!

Nice piece. I like the way you delve into the dance of thoughts (words). I know what it feels like to have the muses screaming in my ear, waking me up, demanding release onto the blank page. Annoying, but addicting at the same time.

Adn their absence can definitely leave you with a headache.

Well, I am having a tough time putting thoughts together tonight- (I haven't had a cigarette in 21 hours. jitters jitters..)

Nice work, good to see you posting again!

Take Care!

Chell
| Posted on 2006-03-11 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]
  I think what works for this poem is, for starters, you have a good sense of your breath and your line. You line ends feel very natural and chosen strongly for good reasons, a quality many free verse poems lack but what is really the goal of fre verse poetry.
I think your poem deals with a lot... and none of it in full... which also works. You throw laughter pain, despair And life and death at us in a very small space and then... end it. It leaves your reader with the same head ache you have.
One note. Despair and Desperation are the same thing. One or the other should go because it's just an extra words that don't add anything to the poem. It's like saying Joy and Joyousness.
| Posted on 2006-03-10 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]

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