Illusions of tranquility by Ethan Brody

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Submission Name: Illusions of tranquility dots

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Author:	Ethan Brody
ASL Info:	27- M - Dunsinane
Elite Ratio:	8 - 356/166/55
Words:	97

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	404
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	576

Description:
It'd mean a lot to me if you commented on this piece.

Any suggestion, thought or observation is greatly appreciated.

Just so you know the first part of this write was inspired by Biff from “Death of a Salesman” but the feelings and sentiments are mine.

Illusions of tranquility dots

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Many times have I said,
“I need to find some rest”
But everything crushes
The minute I speak up
And say “sure, I’m ok”
A minor incident
Can alter one’s peace.
A lost wallet
Can make one see
And glare at things
That are wrong and suppressed,
Can make one aware
Of stuff we don’t want to see.
Like growing up
In a single sleepless night,
Is the feeling one gets
After seeing a timid light
In a moment of sheer
But familiar darkness.

Submitted on 2006-03-10 22:33:31 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  I do not agree on a complete rewrite of the poem - as has been noted by others, there are several very good lines in this.
I would try to work out the things which seems more like information to help people intrepret the poem 'right'. Like the lines:
"A minor incident
Can alter one’s peace"
These lines are rather banal, and the forllowing lines makes them completly obsolete.
Well just a few comments from someone who liked the poem or the general observations in it.
Take care

-tZar
| Posted on 2006-03-13 00:00:00 | by tZar | [ Reply to This ]
  I agree... some people usually kill themselves for the most mundane of reasons. But really, it is the simplest of taps one needs to be driven completely off course... or off the edge. And the tragic thing is, it's like prostate cancer, you don't really know how bad it is until you already feel the absence of solid ground beneath you.

You do have someting good here. But it feels a little raw.

If this piece was made for a purpose beyond the need to vent, I would suggest not making it so vocal because that could make it boring. Um... perhaps you could start with something completely off hand (you know, with the Simpson effect and all) then leading towards the root of the issue... or probably not even touching it but hinting towards it with the use of sheer word play. I think you can slay just about every emotion without mentioning them and just giving a view from a somewhat superficial angle. That way, people would have more control to take as much, or possibly even more, than what you are willing to give. Chances are, they would keep the piece in their head and rewind it over and over 'til they get what you're trying to say. And by the time that happens, I'm sure they've already established a bond.

If they're not willing to take the time to go through your work because it makes them think, then that's not your problem anymore.

But of course... that's just a suggestion. Feel free to do whatever you want.

Like I said, you do have something good here... I think that with a little more cooking time... you can make it work. But then again, I don't really know you so I guess you could say I'm just talking out of my ass...

But I'm hopeful so...

Later.
| Posted on 2006-03-11 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
  "But everything crushes
The minute I speak up "
That... is a great two lines. The rest of the poem doesn't quite live up to their standard. I don't know what to tell you about how to fix that. Or if it needs to be fixed even. The image there is superb. And then you sort of fall away into the cliché and commonplace. If you ever look at this piece again, maybe... work your way to those two lines and end the poem on them. Maybe keep those two and do something else with them.. but those two are a bit of gold worth the poem.
| Posted on 2006-03-10 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]
  I disagree with David to some extent. I think that there are other good lines, but in a way he is write that all the lines are not at a near equal degree of excellence. Some of the lines are amazingly (don't know whether that is a word but what ever) amazing and powerful, while others simply are not. Hope you will make all the lines like these ones:

But everything crushes
The minute I speak up

&

After seeing a timid light
In a moment of sheer
But familiar darkness

I hope that this comment helped you

Thanks for sharing this write with us

*Abbas*
| Posted on 2006-03-11 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]
  I can't agree more with the sentiment of the title; some tranquility is an illusion simply because the sheer bulk of suppressed negativity makes it impossible to fully relax the intellect. In such a case, the light of calmness/clarity would seem timid by comparison to the chaos we call day-to-day living. You might consider tweaking a few of the lines in the piece, but a complete overhaul is uneccessary. Nicely observed. Take care of yourself. Bill.
| Posted on 2006-03-11 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]

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